Dear Sybersue,

I have been living with my boyfriend for three years. During that time, he has continually checked out other women while in my presence, which is so embarrassing and disrespectful! I have mentioned my annoyance to him many times, and he just says, “What’s your problem? There’s no harm in looking at other women. Why are you being so insecure? You’re the one I come home to every day!”

I’m unsure how much longer I can deal with his dismissive attitude or the sympathetic looks I get from the other women he is flirtatious with. I don’t know what else to do at this point, and I am now seriously thinking of walking away from our relationship. Any thoughts or suggestions you may have regarding this issue would be greatly appreciated.

Is there any hope that things will eventually change, or will it always be a one-sided partnership?

Thank you so much, Kristine

Hi Kristine,

It is a natural response to be attracted to other people even while we are in a relationship, but how we handle it, is another thing. A discreet glance is acceptable, but your boyfriend disrespectfully shows his obvious attraction toward other women consistently in front of you. He has done this for your entire 3-year relationship, which is a very long time to have put up with this ongoing situation.

I’m pretty sure that if the situation was reversed, he wouldn’t appreciate you ogling every man who walks by. I’m not sure if you’ve ever done that, but I would be curious to see how he would handle it. Some people don’t understand how hurtful something is until they experience the same conduct from their partner!

It would be much more tasteful if your boyfriend used some discretion, but he blatantly observes these other women and expects you to be okay with it. His reasoning is you’re the one he chose, and you’re the lucky one he comes home to every day. That’s not exactly a comforting answer! That’s more like a “take it or leave it” approach. I think that many women would feel insecure about having to deal with this and often wonder if their partner was fully committed to their relationship.

Healthy relationships are all about reciprocated respect.

Sadly, you are feeling very disrespected in the partnership, and you have every right to feel that way. When this becomes a repetitive pattern, it can take a big toll on your self-esteem! “Am I not good enough for him, is he losing his attraction towards me?” “Will he eventually start cheating on me due to this forbidden fruit that is continually in front of him?”

Many people will argue that there’s nothing wrong with looking at other people while you’re in a relationship, but I always equate this scenario to walking by the bakery every day and staring at that chocolate éclair in the window. Sometimes the temptation is just too great, and we eventually walk into the store and buy that damn pastry! I’m certainly not saying that this situation would happen to everyone, but I can see how it might be a concern to you after 3 years.

What should you do moving forward when your partner continues to check out other women?

#1 – There needs to be some more respectful etiquette happening on his part. He needs to take your concerns seriously. It’s certainly not comfortable walking down the street with your boyfriend when he continues to behave in this manner. You mentioned that you get sympathetic looks from women because they have probably been in your shoes at one point, or feel like his staring is very obvious and extremely disrespectful to you. It is certainly not comfortable for them either.

You’re coming to the end of your rope with how much more you can take, and it’s very inconsiderate when your boyfriend is not making any changes, or even compromising in the slightest about this situation! It gets to the point where it feels like he’s rubbing it in your face rather than understanding how hurtful this is for you.

#2 – Walk away from him when he continues to check out other women and ignores your concerns. You can only repeat yourself so many times before you start to feel like you are enabling his continued disrespect toward you. He is not validating your feelings, and he is gaslighting you with his dismissive comment that you are insecure. By removing yourself from the scenario, you are not condoning his actions, and you are respecting yourself.

#3 – It’s time to tell your partner that this ongoing rudeness is becoming a deal-breaker in your relationship and if there aren’t some big changes going forward, then you’ll be moving on. You should never be made to feel like you’re not a priority to your boyfriend. He should be mature enough to understand that his repetitive attitude needs some big adjustments! Shrugging it off as nothing is very insensitive to your feelings.

Have this conversation with him when you have some quiet time alone and there are no distractions. Tell him you are not happy having to deal with this anymore. You do not want to continue in this manner and continually feel undervalued. Watch his reaction and really hear what he says to you. If he continues to disregard this as a conversation that’s not worth discussing, then you will have your answers as to how he will continue to progress in your relationship.

When you’ve been in a committed 3-year relationship with your partner, you want to be treated well and made to feel like you’re the priority in his life.

You want to know he is attracted to you and content to be with you. This isn’t the feeling you’re receiving presently, which is tearing away at your self-worth. There’s also a difference between glancing at someone attractive and openly staring at them while you’re with your partner. It’s just not cool.

If he is not prepared to make any changes, then it will be up to you to make changes without him going forward. You deserve reciprocated love from a thoughtful, warm-hearted partner who puts you first in his life. Please keep me posted and let me know what transpires. I hope things improve for you in one way or another and that you can get the love and respect that you deserve.

Thank you for taking the time to write.

Sybersue xo

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