Dating an avoidant man is like trying to befriend a traumatized, aggressive stray dog. 

And that’s at its worst. 

Dating an avoidant man at its best is like chasing after a leprechaun – alluring, but nothing ever eventuates. 

If you’re dating an avoidant man right now (or have dated one recently) and feel like it is just a huge mess, let’s talk because you likely have a lot to process, and you’ve probably got lots of questions. 

Let me answer those questions for you and put your mind at ease (ie: you’re not crazy and it really is this hard to date an avoidant.)

You may want to work out whether this man is even going to be able to commit to you or not. You can figure that out by taking my “how commitment-friendly is he” quiz. I’ve embedded below:

Do the quiz: how commitment friendly is my man?

What Is It Like Dating An Avoidant Man?

As I just mentioned, dating an avoidant man is like trying to befriend a traumatized, aggressive stray dog. 

If you’ve been dating an avoidant man for a while, then you know what I’m talking about. 

You try to reach their soul and connect with them without getting burned by second-hand trauma, but it’s really hard.

You essentially have to be as resilient as a palm tree in a hurricane – bending but never breaking. 

Related: 6 Behaviors You Should Never Tolerate In A Man.

6 Signs You’re Dating An Avoidant Man 

There are some signs you’re dating a man with an avoidant attachment style. Let’s have a look at these signs:

1. He’s perpetually hot and cold for no reason.
2. He is keeping backup options.
3. You notice that he seems to seek validation and attention from other women. 
4. He becomes critical of you after being very interested initially. 
5. You notice his behavior has become hostile. 
6. Your warmth and affection doesn’t bring him any closer or deeper into the relationship.

MORE: 12 Reasons Guys Act Interested Then Back Off + What To Do. 

What Do Avoidants Want In A Relationship?

They want you around, but at a distance. 

They want an intimate relationship without the actual intimacy. 

They want you, but they don’t want you. 

Related: 7 Undercover Reasons Guys Distance Themselves After Intimacy.

Ok but seriously, they want (or need):

• Stability. (No, not them, but you! It’s you who needs to be stable.)
• Even though they don’t know it, they want you to be the reason they hold onto hope (or pick up hope once again after it was lost long ago).
• To be seen and appreciated.
• To have their achievements acknowledged (because they often replace that deep seated sense of worthiness that securely attached people have with “achievements.’
• Excitement and variety in the relationship. Yes, despite the fact that they need stability, what they want is excitement. 
• They want the gift of your presence.

Unfortunately, if you get closer to an avoidant, you will realize that what they want is someone who can give what they weren’t given as babies.

Obviously the level to which each avoidant wants this (and shows that they want this) differs.

No two avoidants are exactly the same in how severe their avoidant attachment patterns are.

Some are more anxious-avoidant, and then on the extreme end, some are so avoidant that they’re near psychopathic. 

Some avoidants are so beyond reach that you’ll never get to the point where they’re vulnerable enough to let you nurture them.

And by nurture them, I mean love and attune to them the way they deserved as babies.

To illustrate this point, let me point you to my attachment style quiz here. 

It’s important to understand that attachment styles lie on a continuum and not just a selection of categories. The more insecurely attached someone is, the more avoidant attachment tendencies they exhibit. 

A score of 0 on our quiz means total avoidant attachment style, (on the extreme end of insecure attachment), and a score of 100 means total secure attachment style.

As you do the quiz you will be able to access the thorough explanation behind this attachment continuum. 

If someone scores 30% or below on this quiz for their core attachment style, it likely means they are severely avoidant and further beyond reach.

Anything above that 30% mark and you have someone who is a bit easier to build intimacy with. 

You can take the quiz below if you wish!

Do the quiz: What is my attachment style?

What Are Avoidant Men Attracted To?

Avoidant men are attracted to everything that other men are attracted to, minus your desire for intimacy.

Your desire for intimacy will be appealing to a securely attached man. This type of man will see your desire for intimacy as healthy and well adjusted.

…Perhaps even a breath of fresh air.

But an avoidant man?

Yeah, he’s a different breed. Expect this man to reject your desire for intimacy, sometimes with cruelty and other times with dismissiveness. 

It’s very hurtful, but you shouldn’t expect anything different from an avoidant who has not processed their trauma and healed.

There are 7 common signs a woman is perceived as low value to all men, because men simply perceive value differently to women. Do you know what these signs are and how to avoid them like the plague? CLICK HERE to download this special report.

 

How To Keep An Avoidant Man Interested?

You have to look at this through two different lenses.

Firstly, you need to understand that avoidants replace intimacy with excitement (variety).

From this perspective, you’ll see that he needs a partner who can engage in lots of exciting activities with him and share those experiences with him.

These “activities” are varied and could range from getting a different bubble tea every day to trying not-so-vanilla sexual activities. 

As for the second lens through which you can consider how to keep an avoidant man interested, you need to look at the fact that what he needs is the stability he’s never been given.

Which means you have to be there whenever he’s ready for intimacy, and you need to be that reason he trusts attachment again. 

…And that’s a horrible place for a woman to have to be in.

But if you’re securely attached, then honestly, you may be able to handle it. 

I guess as a securely attached person you have to decide whether this particular avoidant guy is worth the sacrifice of your god-given (ok, it’s really parent-given) trust in relationships.

There are millions of humans out there. Plenty more avoidants too! So, why this one?

Is he really that special? 

Perhaps he is. And if you feel like he really is that special, then it’s totally your prerogative to put in the effort.

And I mean that. Some connections are irreplaceable, and sometimes a higher calling will pull you into this relationship.

Perhaps your resilience can break through his walls over time.  

(I’ll remind you again, if your guy scores 30% or lower on our attachment quiz, you will have a super hard time getting through to him.)

Also consider that if an avoidant is in love with you, then there’s no better time to muster up that courage to help them trust intimacy again. 

Being in love with you means he’ll be more emotionally resourceful than he ever was. 

CLICK HERE to LEARN the one specific emotional trigger within every masculine man that inspires him to want to take care of you, worship you and deeply commit to you.

Who Is The Best Partner For An Avoidant?

A securely attached partner is perfect for an avoidant. 

The more securely attached someone is, the more able they are to handle the avoidant shutting down without becoming anxious or argumentative.

At the same time, the more securely attached someone is, the more likely they are to walk away from the avoidant.

So in this context, secure attachment is a double-edged sword.

On the other hand, if you’re someone with an anxious attachment style, then you’re more likely to stay in the relationship with the avoidant.

Why?

Because you’re unaware of how unhealthy this hot and cold dynamic with the avoidant is. 

If you’re anxious, you’ll hold on to them for longer because you know unconsciously that you cannot cope with the emotions of the breakup. 

MORE: Why Do I Get Attached So Easily? 6 EXACT Reasons & How To Stop. 

A securely attached person will instead appreciate the value of a breakup from an avoidant, despite how much they loved them.

So:

From the perspective of what is healthy for an avoidant long-term (and what will be most likely to help them heal), a securely attached person is the best partner for the avoidant.

However, from the perspective of who will be more likely to fall into the trap of their allure and get stuck in the hot and cold cycle, an anxious person will be the best partner for an avoidant.

See: an anxious person will feel like a secure source of love for the avoidant because they fall into the anxious-avoidant trap. 

Here’s a video hubby and I made for you on the 9 Reasons Why Men Go Hot And Cold:

Can You Have A Healthy Relationship With An Avoidant?

No, you can’t have a fully healthy relationship with an avoidant in the short-term. 

It’s definitely possible to have a healthy relationship with an avoidant in the long-term, because it’s possible for the avoidant to heal. 

There are things you can expect in a relationship with an avoidant, and that’s pain and trauma.

I’m not being negative. It’s just how it is. This is because avoidants have attachment trauma, and it will pass onto you.

It’s great isn’t it. 

As I’ve mentioned before, if you’re a resilient individual, there’s more hope for you and your avoidant lover.

When I say resilient, I mean securely attached. 

If however, you have anxious attachment, this is likely not the best relationship for you to get into. All you will do is learn to deepen those anxious attachment patterns and cause yourself unbelievable stress.

And get this: you’ll become more avoidant too. 

If you’re anxiously attached and you want to stay in a relationship with an avoidant you might want to get better at recognizing your own triggers and managing them well.

Here are 12 Anxious Attachment Triggers: How to Recognize Them & Heal Them. 

SPECIAL REPORT: How to Become the World’s Most Attractive & Feminine Goddess (Even if you have no self esteem or no man has ever paid you any attention…) CLICK HERE to download it at no cost.

 

How Do Avoidants Act When They Like You?

When an avoidant likes you, they’ll show interest by initiating contact through text and in person.

Similar to all the top signs a guy likes you, an avoidant will show that they are willing to reach out to you and get your attention. 

They’ll focus a lot of their energy on you, and make you feel special.

However if you’re aware and attuned, you may notice that the way their interest is expressed is surface level.

Meaning, you’re cut off from seeing their soul. 

They’ll come forward with a tonne of energy, but little depth. The avoidant’s actions may even seem glib (if they’re severely avoidant in their attachment patterns.) 

Remember, the avoidant needs your attention (and other people’s attention), so they’ll be more willing to engage in behavior such as flattery and love bombing.

They may also lovebomb you because they know they need to get sex from you quickly, before you find out who they really are. 

At the beginning, an avoidant will show a lot of the typical signs someone likes you, because there’s less risk involved in the beginning.

And there’s less risk because you’re not asking a whole lot of them…yet.

Fast forward a few weeks and months, and you’ll start to see their hot and cold behavior come out, as well as their tendency to breadcrumb you or keep backup partners available. 

Yes, research shows that avoidants have a tendency to engage in breadcrumbing behaviors.

Don’t fall for their breadcrumbing. Here are 8 Signs You’re Being Breadcrumbed & How To Respond.

Also know that securely attached men can breadcrumb you, too. It’s not a behavior that’s exclusive to avoidants.

What’s the difference between an avoidant breadcrumbing you and a secure man breadcrumbing you?

The avoidant man’s actions and behaviors will carry strong undertones of hostility, whereas you’ll feel the securely attached man’s behavior as just a desire to minimize his own investment in you (without a need to be hostile towards you).

How do you protect yourself from these types of avoidant men in dating? 

You test and you test often. The best test is high value banter, because it’s playful. Playful banter carries warmth to it that avoidants cannot reciprocate or attune to.

They simply won’t be able to bounce back with their own banter and playfulness.

This is why banter is such a powerful test, and you can get results in seconds!

If you want some banter lines you can use immediately (today!) come and take my husband David’s high value banter class. You’re going to love it. 

How Do Avoidants Test You?

If an avoidant even gets close enough to you to care about testing you, they’ll use a variety of methods to test you.

1. They may pick fights in an attempt to see if you love them enough to fight for the relationship. 
2. They could even try really hard to antagonize you, so that you get angry enough that you’ll cut them down and abandon them, confirming their feelings of low self worth.
3. They’ll seek validation and security through reverse psychology accusations (if that phrase even exists in the real world).  Examples include saying things like “yeah, you’ll screw him or her in a heartbeat.” Or “I know you think he’s better than me.” Or “You just want him cause he’s got a bigger [insert phallic description here].”
   Meanwhile you’re horrified, because none of that is what you were actually thinking and feeling. You were just going along peacefully, enjoying (what you thought was a normal, secure relationship.) 
4. They’ll push you away preemptively. In other words, they’ll effectively abandon you for no reason. Nice.

MORE: Why Do I Self Sabotage My Relationships? 9 Hidden Reasons Revealed.

With all these questions answered, you might be wondering:

Can An Avoidant Ever Really Love You?

Sure they can.

They will just have a tendency to keep that love buried deeply beneath many layers of armor and protection.

It’s almost as if the more an avoidant man loves you, the less he’s able to express it in calibrated ways.

In other words, he may express the love awkwardly. 

It may come out as undying love and affection towards you and then disappear completely (along with his physical absence for days or weeks.)

And the cycle may start again. 

It’s hard being in a relationship with an avoidant. I’ve detailed the exact steps to communicate with an avoidant and get closer to them in this article here.

But always remember that it’s possible for an avoidant to heal. They can fall in love, and they can express that love, although that love will tend to come out a bit herky-jerky in practice. 

Avoidant men just aren’t as comfortable with the flow of love, affection and intimacy in a committed relationship.  

Recommended: How To Get Him To Commit The High Value Way + 1 Mistake To AVOID. 

And you’ll have to be prepared for the fact that certain triggers (such as the death of a parent or a perceived life failure) will cause them to clam up again. 

I wish you all the best but I also caution you: the avoidant will hurt you emotionally. 

It will be hard, but it’s also possible for it to be rewarding if you’re patient and loving.

Just know that whenever you date an avoidant, you’re taking a sizable risk with your physical, emotional and psychological health. 

It’s ultimately up to you to determine if the risks are worth it. 

Over To You

Please share with me below your experiences with dating an avoidant man. Tell me how they hurt you.

I want the below comments section to be a place for you to vent and release all the hurt and pent up emotions that come with dating an avoidant man. 

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