Breakups are never easy, but being blindsided or dealing with infidelity can make it so much harder to move forward than when a relationship ends with mutual respect. When there is betrayal or dishonesty in a breakup, this disrespectful treatment brings on feelings of anger, hurt, and resentment that are difficult to let go of.

Seeing your ex on a regular basis will only prolong your healing. Forcing yourself into a friendship to keep the peace can leave you feeling stuck in an unhealthy place. The more energy you give to your ex, the more heartache you risk creating for yourself. Taking time for self-care and focusing your energy on rebuilding your own life can help you heal and move forward with confidence.

If your relationship ending was mutual, it is much easier to maintain a friendship with your ex.

There is often something comforting about the idea of staying friends with an ex. As a couple, you have some great memories, you’ve dealt with life-changing scenarios, and you shared a vulnerable side of yourself that not a lot of people get to see. After a breakup, you feel like a big part of you is missing, which can make you hold on to your ex a little tighter. You both agree that the romantic side of things is over, but you still like and respect each other.

However, taking on a friendship role immediately after a relationship ends is usually not a good idea. You both need time to deal with the emotional side of the breakup first. Sadly, more often than not, the end of a partnership is not reciprocated. One person may want to stay friends, secretly hoping for a reconciliation.

When is it NOT the right time to remain friends with your Ex?

1. You are still deeply in love with them.

You hope that by staying friends you will eventually win them back. You’re overly accommodating and available and put them first in many situations. You are anxiously waiting for them to change their mind and come back to you. This can be a very painful place to put yourself when the feelings are not reciprocated.

2. They have moved on completely, but you’re still hurting.

Seeing your ex having fun all over social media can add more salt to the wound your heart is already experiencing. Hearing about their dating life is extremely difficult and can make you feel rejected all over again. This is the time to distance yourself from them rather than trying to maintain a friendship with them. It is keeping you stuck.

3. The relationship was very unhealthy or abusive!

If the relationship involved continual disrespect, repeated betrayal, or emotiona/physical abuse, walking away from all contact is necessary to regain your self-respect and confidence. Sometimes the best way to move forward is to stop giving the past a place in the present. Having strong boundaries is important when a relationship has been destructive to your well-being.

4. Being friends with an ex can keep you in emotional limbo.

There are too many reminders of your relationship to move on. You often compare them to others you are dating. Some people become friends right after their breakup because it feels easier than experiencing the loss. This is not the time to have a friendship if your emotions are holding you back from letting go.

5. Many friendships with an ex overstep boundaries, especially in the bedroom.

If you are regularly intimate with an ex, it will keep you from moving on completely. There’s an emotional and physical attachment that stays with you. This can cause possessiveness between you, bringing out insecurities and jealousy whenever you’re not spending time together. You’re not in a committed partnership, but the intimacy is keeping you connected.

What are the signs that you can have a friendship with your ex?

• A friendship with your ex requires both of you to be emotionally unattached to the relationship. It is very difficult to enter into the friendship zone when there are any lingering feelings. This can end up causing more hurt than healing. It is important to be honest with yourself about your feelings before trying to build a friendship with someone you once loved.
• Taking time away from your ex is key to healing after a breakup. Giving yourself some space allows you to process what happened, regain your emotional balance, and focus on yourself rather than on what your ex is doing. You need enough distance to give your heart and mind a chance to move forward.
• A friendship is possible when neither person is hoping to get back together.
• You can hear about your ex dating someone else without feeling jealous or hurt. You are genuinely happy for them.
• You have made peace with the breakup. There is no lingering resentment or unresolved conflict.
• There is a reciprocal respect for each other and your friendship boundaries.
• You are not relying on each other for continual emotional support or intimacy.
• You are both on the same page with your children and how to work together as parents. You can attend family events without drama or conflict.

In closing:

Breakups are hard, and not everyone feels comfortable having a friendship with their ex. Some people find that the more they stay connected to their ex, the harder it can be to let go. Seeing them brings back memories of the relationship. This is a common mistake many couples make when dealing with the aftermath of a breakup.

To be able to move on, you need to refocus where you put your energy. The less time you spend reminiscing about your breakup, the sooner you will be able to view the new path ahead of you.

Taking time away from staying connected to an ex is always the smartest approach after a breakup. Once you have had some time apart from one another and you’re in a happier environment, you can then revisit having a friendship.

If the friendship with your ex repeatedly causes emotional distress, leaves you feeling anxious, confused, or hurt, it is a sign that staying friends is doing more harm than good. This is the time to listen to what your emotional instincts are telling you, even if the outcome isn’t what you hoped for.

Sometimes protecting your heart means accepting that not every relationship is meant to have a place in your life forever.

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