Dear Sybersue;

I am 30 years old, I make a great salary, and I love my job. I’m a socially active and independent woman. My boyfriend is suddenly showing signs of pulling away from our relationship. This concerns me since it is right before a one-year marker in our relationship. I am aware that many guys feel the pressure when there is more of an expectation to commit long-term.

I’ll include some information about our pasts to help you with your response. 

Andrew is 10 years older than I am, but our time spent together is never stressed by the age difference.  He took care of his sick mother since he was a child. He also started working at 15 to help pay the household bills. He later became a police officer, but recently retired and receives a pension. Due to his young retirement age, he decided to take a job working at a construction site.

A short time ago, he told me he doesn’t believe in marriage.  Please note that he was hurt badly by a woman who continually pestered him about marriage. They eventually got engaged, and shortly after, they found out she was pregnant. He soon discovered she had been unfaithful and had slept with someone else.  She ended up having an abortion without ever knowing whose child it was. She didn’t give Andrew any choice in the matter.  He was pretty crushed, knowing it could have been his son/daughter.

Back to us…

We spend almost every weekend together when we are not working. I’m fine doing nothing at all and just enjoying a meal at his place. (He cooks for me often.)  I’m happy joining him for outdoor trips, and he enjoys going out dancing with me. He introduced me to his entire family after 4 months of us dating. I’ve also met his close friends. Everyone tells us they love us together!

Where I am feeling this “relationship freeze” the most is with our sex life.  Andrew has been very removed and is less sexually interested in the past few months.  I started to think maybe he was interested in another woman! I have expressed my concerns to him and questioned his fidelity.  He responded that he is not happy with his position in life. He doesn’t have his future financially secured.

We don’t go out on date nights anymore, but we still spend weekends together. He is still very sweet to me, but the intimacy has been very restricted. He said that I get too emotionally connected when we are intimate. He doesn’t want to lead me on by having regular sex. That’s pretty hurtful. I’m in no rush to get married, but I’d be really happy if we did tie the knot one day.

Many of his friends have mentioned that they thought Andrew was hurt and bitter from his past relationship breakup. What if he really does have ice in his heart, and there is irreparable damage?

Should I just stick it out? He wished me the best if I decided to leave. He told me I am a wonderful woman.

It now seems obvious after reading this over. If I did break up with him, he would not put up a fight to keep me in his life. Do you think he is freezing me out slowly so I will be the one to leave? Do you think he is testing me to see how long I’d stick with him without a ring? Please help!!

Thank you, Kim

Dear Kim,

Your boyfriend has a few demons in his closet. This probably stems from being a fatherless child. He had to nurture his mother, rather than having his mother nurture him. I don’t know anything about his dad, as you didn’t mention it. Andrew may also be dealing with some abandonment issues from his father not being in his life.

A girl he was engaged to cheated on him. She dumped him and shut him out of making any decisions about her pregnancy. This was just another heartbreak scenario in his long list of past emotional trauma haunting him.

(Also, many policemen learn to shut down their feelings due to all the trauma they witness on the job. It can be very difficult for some of them to open up.)

You are right that he is removing himself from having any major commitment to you. This is a common scenario with some men who have a fear of love and long-term relationships. The problem is, he started out being very sincere, showing you he was into having a partnership. He introduced you to his family and friends early on. Then he started pulling away after the 9-month mark.

He was initially trying to make it work, but probably freaked himself out in the process. Those rooted past doubts came back and made him pull away. It can be a vicious circle until he realizes what he is doing. He would benefit from professional help to address some of the internal issues keeping him stuck.

When your partner shares his feelings, it is important to listen carefully.

Don’t read between the lines, creating your own version of what you want to hear. He is losing interest in sex, which is not a good situation in a healthy relationship. Women have an emotional connection with sex and love. The two go hand in hand for most women. The fact that he said he doesn’t want sex due to that reason should be a relationship deal breaker. That is a pretty loud statement. He also said he doesn’t believe in marriage, which is a big red flag.

He told you he understands if you want to leave. He knows you want more than he is able to give you. Has he told you he loves you?

I am not sure why money is an issue. He is getting a pension and working at a construction job, too. Could this be an excuse? I think you know the answer to your question here, Kim. I know how hurtful it is to come to terms with the fact that your relationship might be over soon.

My advice to you would be: if he is willing to seek professional help, give it a few more months. If he refuses, then it is time for you to find happiness somewhere else. You deserve a “loving” partnership, not a one-sided “companion” without love and limited sex.  Don’t ever settle for someone; always respect yourself first!

If this is meant to be, he will realize it by not letting you go. Right now, things are easy for him because you are the one making all the sacrifices.  Is that what you want long term? I don’t think you do. You know what is important to you, and you can have it by believing you deserve it.

Sybersue

Dear Sybersue,

Thanks for your reply. Well, he has said he loves me “once,” but he tells me he cares for me all the time. When this issue was first addressed, he asked me, “Don’t I demonstrate my love for you through my actions?” You’re correct; he is making excuses. I wish I knew a way to convince him to talk to a professional. We communicate and share so much, but I do believe he uses me as a therapist at times.

His father was a drunk, very abusive and the main reason his mother is not well! This was also the reason Andrew became a provider at such a young age.

I feel that because I love him, I want to fix him. I want him to know that there are people out there like me who won’t abandon or hurt him. He acknowledges he has some problems. When he says he’s fine with me leaving because of these issues, it feels like a cop out. It seems like he is just giving up again.

I’m not perfect; I’ve been hurt, abandoned, and yes, brokenhearted. I did see a therapist for 2 years. Still, I have no clue how to convince a grown man to go in that direction.

Thank you again, Sue! I can’t say I’m ready to jump out of this relationship. However, your insight has clarified my doubts about “what if.”

Sincerely, Kim

Dear Kim,

Thanks for writing back. Wow, you both have been through a lot. This is probably the reason you found each other. “Like attracts like.” I think you nailed it when you said you want to “fix it.” This is something some women do because we are natural nurturers. The fact that you had some professional guidance to help with your past is wonderful. You know how healing this was for you, which makes you want to fix him all the more!

Your BF has problems with being emotionally available because there has been so much hurt in his life. He has to be ready to change, and unfortunately, it doesn’t sound like he is there yet. I wish I could give you more hope and give you better news. But I think the only way things will improve between you both is if he gets some counselling.

Staying in this situation gives you the short end of the stick. You sound like a very loving & caring woman who deserves more than this limited partnership. Ask yourself what you are getting out of it, and be honest. Sometimes we hold on just because we think it is easier than starting over with someone else. It could be a test from the Universe to see if you have progressed from your therapy.

You deserve someone who consistently tells and shows you they love you. Once in 10 months is not enough. Why did he tell you he loved you if he didn’t want you to have those reciprocated “in love” feelings? He is contradicting himself and sending you mixed messages.

The first 2 years are supposed to be the best part of your relationship. Your 10 months together have been a teeter-totter ride, with you making all the compromises. It’s time for you to be happy in a reciprocated partnership.

Wishing you clarity and a future filled with love.

T️hank you, Sybersue xo

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