A Year of Text Messages and We Still Haven’t Met.

Dear Sybersue,

I met this guy through online dating one year ago. We talk on the phone and text daily. He is a graphic designer and says he is always too busy to get together! We still haven’t met in person, although he has told me he loves me.

He seems like an honest enough guy, but am I wasting my time with him? Is he just enjoying this situation we have at my expense?

I.M.

Hi I.M 🙂

If this man is too busy to see you, he is definitely not ready for a committed relationship. He shouldn’t be keeping you hanging there after a year without making any effort to see you. You didn’t tell me where you both live, but in any case, not meeting him in person for this long isn’t a good sign!

He is either hiding something from you or he is simply enjoying a casual relationship. His feelings may be legitimate, but you should be asking yourself why you are still allowing this arrangement to continue. It sounds like you have an emotional connection, but physical intimacy is also very important. I noticed you didn’t say you loved him, too. What is keeping you there? No one is that busy 24/7. That excuse isn’t valid after 1 year.

It is very easy for someone to hide behind a phone call or a computer screen. They can say all the right things. However, it is important to understand when to read between the lines. You can grow attached to someone’s words and attention. It’s time to ask yourself whether you’re building a partnership or just holding on to the potential for having one. You know in your heart if it’s real or not. Listen to your instincts.

Why were you not more insistent about meeting him face-to-face?

Did you choose to let certain things slide because you are lonely or blinded by his charm? Are you hanging on, hoping that things will start to change, and you can finally have some personal interaction? There is a limit on how long the waiting period should be, though. You should have healthy boundaries in place so that your self-respect is always a priority.

You are worthy of having a loving reciprocated relationship. Please don’t settle for something you are not happy with. If he continues to be too busy or not overly interested in meeting up with you, walk away. Devise a new rule where you must meet any potential dates within the first few weeks of contact. None of this waiting around for months. You need to see if there is a “real” connection. There are a lot of great actors out there who know how to “talk the talk!”

Thanks for writing, Sybersue xo

Follow-up answer from I.M.

Dear Sybersue,

Thank you for your reply! You gave me lots to think about. Yes, I do have questions about what is keeping me in this relationship. I do want to be treated with respect, like we all deserve. My ex-husband was mentally and verbally abusive. So I guess I just wanted to be held and feel safe. I’m a romantic at heart. I have been divorced for 30 years and haven’t dated much.

This man I have been talking to has never been married at 51, and neither have his brothers. Weird right? I probably need to get to the point where I understand that I’m not a priority to him. If I were, he would have made plans to see me a long time ago.

Thank you, I.M.

Hi again,

He probably sees your vulnerability because of what transpired with your ex-husband. That is why this casual scenario works for him. Some men look for this type of woman because she is usually low-maintenance and won’t have so many expectations. One of your desires is to be held. He isn’t giving you that, and hasn’t made any attempt to do so in a year.

I don’t believe in ultimatums. However, in your case, this guy needs to step up and meet you in person. Otherwise, you should move on. The fact that he has never married could indicate that he has commitment issues. But that is not your issue to work on.

Some questions I have for you are:

• Are you afraid of hearing the truth and that he may not be invested in this relationship?
• You don’t want to pressure him for fear that he will stop all contact with you?
• Do you feel that this is better than nothing, in your mind, so you hang in there?

When you settle for something, you shortchange yourself, and your happiness takes a back seat. Even if you think this is OK for now, it keeps you from meeting someone else because your heart is invested in this guy. You are holding on, hoping for more, rather than fully grasping that your needs are not being met.

Remove yourself from negative patterns and hold onto your self-respect.

This will be the time when you will meet someone who can love you the right way. The hardest step is the first one, and the others come easier. It’s time for you to pursue what truly matters to you. You don’t deserve to be a low priority.

Online chemistry can feel exciting, especially when you haven’t dated much in many years. You have developed an emotional attachment, but genuine relationships involve intimacy, consistency, and someone willing to show up and love you unconditionally. When things are in a good place, you can’t wait to see each other.

Love happens at any age, so don’t let that stop you from believing you deserve it. If this guy won’t change things and make an effort to see you in the next few weeks, you will have your answer. Clarity doesn’t come from waiting longer; it comes from actions. When love is on the right tract there aren’t a lot of questions. Instead, there is a natural progression that builds from having a strong foundation.

T️hank you, Sybersue xo

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