I’ll be honest here, any anxious person who gets to spend extended time with a secure person is lucky.

Generally, secure people gravitate towards other securely attached people, and insecurely attached people tend to find each other. 

(That’s based on research by Mario Mikulincer).

But general tendencies are just that: general tendencies. Sometimes secure people end up with anxious or fearful avoidant people (also known as disorganized attachment), so let’s talk about how they deal with them.

How Securely Attached People Calm & Inspire Anxious People

Securely attached people have a way of dealing with anxious people that inspires them to stop self sabotaging and helps them learn to self regulate through gradual replacement of the old negative voice in their head. 

So let’s delve into how secure people approach anxiously attached people, and exactly what you can do to replace the old negative voice in your head the way a secure person would. 

Firstly, secure people have low or non existent anxiety until life circumstances call for it. This is naturally inspiring for anxiously attached people. 

As someone whose been healing from anxious attachment who met and married a secure man, the best thing about being with him was how he taught me by example to reduce stress levels to the exact amount that’s needed for the problem at hand. 

We’ve been together 2 decades now, but I remember early on when I was studying my Law/Arts degree, I’d get highly stressed before my 3 hour exams. 

Looking back, the stress and anxiety was arguably useless, because it was excessive for the situation.

One time, near the end of my 5 year degree, I got so stressed during one of the exams that I managed to start getting acutely ill right in the middle of the exam. 

Yes, I know….very maladaptive. But that’s what can happen inside anxious people: the stress gets too high too quickly, robbing them of their objective thinking that would allow them to properly solve the problem at hand.  

So securely attached partners tend to model a calm and calibrated stress response for anxious people, leading the anxious person to trust themselves more and slowly over time, develop independent self soothing thoughts. 

One thought that my husband managed to place in my mind regarding my studies was:

“It’s easy. Don’t make it hard.” 

Related: How A Secure Person Handles An Avoidant Pulling Away.

Secure People Inspire Anxious People to be Free of Their Shame

Secondly, secure people are free of chronic shame.

Stay with me now, I know nobody wants to talk about shame – least of all me, but remember: what we resist persists. 

Anxiously attached people are unfortunately haunted by unnecessary shame, which a lot of us will be too afraid to admit because who the heck wants to admit that? 

Related reading: 15 Signs of Abandonment Issues & How to Test For Them.

Admitting shame only begets more shame, since anxious people find it hard to regulate negative emotions. But again, stay with me. 

Secure people received so much love from their caregivers – many secure people received a surplus.

This surplus elevates their esteem and creates a strong identity from infancy. 

Because of this, the secure person is able to raise the anxious person’s self esteem and help them form a solid sense of identity, which is crucial for healing anxious attachment. 

The secure person may say things like:

“There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re find just as you are.”

Or…

“it’s ok to trust yourself. You’re better than you think.” 

Over time, these things impart a strong sense of resilience onto the anxious person.

The Cost of Dealing With An Anxiously Attached Person…

However, we have to remember this:

Secure people tend to find other secure people, and any anxious person who finds a secure person is blessed. 

Secure people generally prefer other secure people, but if they fall in love with an insecurely attached person, there’s no denying it, they will incur a cost for helping the anxious person.

So as beautiful as it is for the secure person to lead by example for the anxious person, we have to always remember and respect the toll it may take on the secure person long term. 

As a mother myself, I’d never recommend my three securely attached sons to find insecurely attached people (if they were to ask), because I know they’re just going to be paying some other parent’s debts by helping the insecurely attached person. 

Sorry if this seems like I’m being a downer, but this is why it’s so important to hug, hold and put your kids first.

It’s what they deserve, because if you don’t give your child secure attachment, they will pay the price long into adulthood. 

If you’d like to discover your CORE attachment style and get a score for how secure you are, go and take my free attachment quiz. I’ll embed it below:

Do the quiz: What is my attachment style?

My Advice to You As A Previously Anxiously Attached Person

Finally, remember that if you have true anxious attachment style yourself, it’s tempting to feel like you’re doomed.

This is because of the inherent negativity involved with the blueprint of anxious attachment.

However, if you use the information I’ve given in this article, and model after a secure person, you can begin to heal.

You’ll heal more (and faster) than you ever thought possible.

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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. She graduated with a bachelor of Law and bachelor of Arts majoring in sociology and psychology. She has been a dating and relationship coach for women in the past 15 years and together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 20 million women through their articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.

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