Both sexes are frustrated with dating today, but some people complicate things even further. Some of it is due to mistaking the inconsistency of the chase for chemistry or an unfilled fantasy. There is a heightened desire for someone unattainable. The person they are pursuing feels like a reward when they can eventually lure them in with their charm. This often becomes an ongoing pattern for a few reasons.

1. The first reason is the challenge of conquest.

The chase creates excitement and uncertainty, making the pursuit more intense. Winning over someone is a validation of self-worth for the pursuer. For some people, it is a game of ego, much like the quest to collect sports trophies. This type of relationship never ends well. A healthy reciprocal relationship is never established once the conquest phase is completed.

2. Mirroring emotional challenges from a past breakup or difficult childhood.

Does this sound like you? Do you choose emotionally unavailable people to date because something about them feels familiar? This form of detachment is something you have become accustomed to. Unfortunately, repeating this pattern does not heal the emotional numbness you continue to feel. It causes unhealthy repetition in your dating and relationship choices.

3. They are not looking for a committed relationship.

This person likes the chase because they don’t have to show vulnerability. The person they are pursuing isn’t expecting anything from them because they aren’t established as a couple. There is more interest in the excitement of the chase than in obtaining the outcome. They feel safe in this environment as there are no expectations.

4. Some people like playing games!

Some people choose the chase because it adds excitement to their lives. They may not even be really interested in the person they are fixating on. However, they put in maximum effort to see if they can get them interested. The game is all about trying to win them over, but once they have, it ends quickly. They are already onto the next prospect. Pay close attention to the red flags early on when dating someone new.

Why is there such an attraction for what we can’t have?

Unattainable challenges are exciting because there is a mystery attached. Even if you are sincere in chasing someone you desire, putting so much energy into the pursuit is rarely reciprocated. If you have to chase someone that much, do you really want to catch them? Even if you did manage to get their attention, it often either fades out or abruptly ends.

It takes a lot of push-pull emotional energy. This can also create self-doubt. When someone is not invested in you, it eventually takes a toll on your self-esteem. Especially when you repeat the scenario with multiple people.

Breaking the Cycle: How do you move on from repeating this pattern?

1. The first step is to acknowledge the emotions you’re feeling when you’re in this type of situation. Is there anger, jealousy, confusion or sadness?
2. What is it about them that attracts you the most?
3. Are you looking for acceptance, or do you want to be chosen by this particular person?
4. Do you feel more worthy in their presence?
5. Are you emotionally unavailable when dating or in a relationship? Are you willing to talk to a counsellor to rectify this ongoing pattern?

Once you understand that you have an attachment to unattainable people, you can start to change that pattern.

Focus on any lessons you learn from each scenario. What positive or negative outcome was achieved? Did they all end in the same manner? What made you feel good in their presence, and what made you question yourself?

Practicing self-love is crucial for attracting love towards you. Being able to trust yourself to show vulnerability is also important to having a loving partnership. Choose people whom you feel safe around and have a mutual trust with.

If you feel anxious or really uncomfortable with someone, this is a red flag that you shouldn’t ignore. When you are on the right path, there will be a smooth and natural progression as each date unfolds. Past fears will dissipate, and you will slowly let your guard down.

Photo by Luke Miller

Once you have some of these answers, it is a little easier to choose better partners.

• This new clarity helps make better choices.
• You learn what love isn’t.
• You realize love built on chasing or waiting for someone isn’t a true connection.
• There is now an understanding that you were subconsciously hoping to have an emotional bond. Unfortunately, this didn’t transpire because there wasn’t a solid foundation to build upon.
• You also learned the difference between love and validation. You were looking for signs that you were enough.

The important lesson is, you need to have self-worth before you can have a reciprocated commitment. This enlightenment teaches you to have boundaries and set standards because you want to have a loving partnership.

You also learned how to have the courage to walk away from an addictive pattern. You understand that being with someone who doesn’t love you back is self-abandonment, which always ends in heartbreak.

And finally, you comprehend that to stop attracting unavailable people, you have to stop being unavailable to yourself. Real love doesn’t need to be chased. You attract it by knowing you deserve it.

*Please watch the video below for more information on today’s post.

 Sybersue xo

Private Dating Relationship Coaching With Sybersue – Please contact me at [email protected] and message me there to set up a video or audio appointment within 24 hours. Thank you!

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