Welcome to Dear Sybersue. Today’s topic is from a YouTube subscriber: Rebuild Confidence: Overcoming Self-Sabotage After Divorce

Hi Sybersue,

I am a big fan of your YouTube show. I have been watching many of your videos to help get me out of this self-sabotaging stage I seem to be stuck in since my marriage ended 1 year ago.  I am 38 years old with 2 children, ages 10 and 12.  My 45-year-old husband abruptly ended our relationship. He said he was fed up and bored because I never wanted to do anything. He also told me he was tired of my sweatpants wardrobe and had lost attraction toward me.

OK, he is somewhat right about the clothing part. I used to dress up for him, but it seemed to go unnoticed after the 10 year mark of our relationship. I had some very long shifts at my nursing job. All I wanted was to be comfortable at home on my time off. Why would I dress up when we weren’t planning to go out anyway? He criticized me regardless of what I wore around the house. It was very deflating and slowly wore down my feelings for him.

My ex-husband’s idea of “doing something” is rock climbing on a vertical slab 3000 ft up. It also includes camping and hiking in the snow-covered mountains or going for a 10-mile run. He’s fanatically obsessed with staying in shape! Even my children were frustrated. They disliked being forced into all his Fear Factor fitness treks and his need for control. He is not happy just going for a bike ride or playing basketball with the kids!  A long romantic walk on the beach would never be a part of his online dating profile. I can assure you of that!  

One year later, he still verbally bashes me whenever he picks up the kids. Even though we are not together, he criticizes my appearance and my nursing career. He always hated it when I took care of anyone but him! Honestly, I am relieved we have ended our 15-year partnership as I do not love him anymore.

So…the main reason I am writing is that I seem to have developed a self-esteem issue about my physical appearance.

I have taken on the negative attitude of “Who would want me?”  I cut myself down at any given chance and can’t stand to see my own reflection in the mirror right now.  I used to be a beautiful, confident woman up until about 5 years ago. This is when my relationship really started going downhill.  

My husband hasn’t been sexually attracted to me since he had an affair with a younger woman, 3 years ago. (I found out through a friend who happened to see them out a few times.) When I confronted him, he didn’t deny it. He said he would stop seeing her if I were more sexual with him. It didn’t seem to matter when we were sexually active right up until he met her. He still stepped out on our marriage! Proving that his ultimatum was empty and lacked any credibility.

Since then, I gave up and decided, what’s the point? He still found someone else he preferred. It didn’t matter how many sexy outfits I wore. He didn’t care how many sexting messages I sent or how much effort I put in to look good for him.  He just constantly threw his affair in my face and complained about everything at home.  He also repeatedly told me how much older I looked than my 38 years!

I am grateful to say that men still look at me. I am not overweight and clean up pretty well on a night out. However, I don’t know how I can get past this self-defeating place I have put myself in. What is wrong with me, and how can I change this?  I would like to meet someone and have a “real” relationship one day! My children want me to date and miss seeing me happy. How can I feel good about myself and bring back the confidence I once had?

Thank you for any suggestions you have for me.

Kristina B.

Hi Kristina,

I am very sorry to hear that your self-worth is at a low point, but I am happy to hear that the kids are supportive of you.

The biggest problem you’re dealing with is your ex-husband’s voice inside your head. You have 5+ years of repetitive criticism from him. He didn’t respect your nursing career and was jealous of you caring for others. That type of negativity is abusive and weighs heavily on your mental health. It can diminish your self-worth and leave deep emotional scars.

The good thing is your children are getting older, so you won’t have to see your Ex much longer. Until that time comes, I suggest the kids walk out to your ex’s car when they have visitation with him. You don’t need to converse with him in person. Many divorced couples communicate through texting or emails rather than face-to-face confrontation. Your children would definitely understand your need to avoid their father. The less you see him, the more your self-esteem will improve.

Your ex also continually talked about the woman he was having an affair with.

This is extremely hurtful and very disrespectful! It played on your self-esteem because he chose to step out of your marriage after 12 years. He continued to see this woman for 2 years while he was still married to you. This would crush the confidence of anyone having to deal with a similar scenario!

You put in the effort to look sexually attractive for your husband during your marriage. You made an effort to be a devoted wife. I completely understand why you stopped caring after he had an affair. You can only try so hard and still have your partner be unfaithful to you. It must have been so difficult living in the same home with him while he was seeing her.

The fact that you are happy to be out of your 15-year marriage is the first step to healing.

It is much harder to deal with a breakup when you still love them. Since it has been a year since you separated, this is a good time to start being social again. Get out with friends on your days off. Sign up for a few meetup groups in your city to meet new people. This will get you back out slowly without the pressure of a dating app. You need to gain back your self-respect before you start dating, and socializing is a good way to start.

Since being separated, your husband’s infidelity and betrayal have continued to erode your confidence. Through honest self-reflection and ongoing self-care, you will slowly start to reclaim your identity. Dealing with the grief of a broken marriage is one of life’s most difficult challenges. The process of rebuilding self-esteem takes courage and resilience to believe and trust in yourself again.

Here are a few suggestions to help you move on from your marriage.

1. Therapy or counseling can help process grief and self-doubt because there is no judgment. There is support and encouragement that can help change the negative internal dialogue you keep hearing.
2. Write out your feelings. Look back on them from time to time. This can help you see how far you have come in the months ahead. What stands out the most in your words? What do you need to work on first? What helps you stay positive?
3. Hang out with supportive friends and family. Remove yourself from any negativity. Plan fun afternoons with your children. Let them see your playful side. They worry about you more than you know.
4. Set a few small goals. Achieving these goals will reinforce your self-worth.
5. Notice when you talk or think badly about yourself, and stop what you are doing at that time. Put yourself in as many positive places as you can. Being aware of your moods is very important to healing.
6. Rediscover who you are outside of your relationship. Bring back some of those interests or skills that you put on hold during your marriage.
7. Focus on creating your new life. Boundaries and values will need to be implemented.
8. Do not allow your ex to disrespect you with his verbal abuse. Stand strong and tell him you will not accept this behaviour. Tell him that any conversations you have are solely about the children’s welfare. If he sends negative texts, do not respond or react.
9. Go on a shopping adventure and buy yourself a few new outfits. When you look good, you feel good, and that is crucial to boosting your confidence.
10. Don’t put too much on your plate too quickly. There is no rush to get a divorce unless your ex is trying to control the finances or get custody of the children.

Please let me know how things go for you. When you are ready to date again, please feel free to contact me anytime! I can help guide you through the first steps. Dating can be overwhelming after 15 years of marriage.

Many things will have changed since you last dated. Approaching this new chapter with optimism and patience can turn into an opportunity to rediscover yourself. It can also help you identify what you truly want in a partner. You understand now how important it is to build a reciprocal relationship that honours your worth and values.

 Sybersue xo

Private Dating Relationship Coaching With Sybersue – Please contact me at [email protected] and message me there to set up a video or audio appointment within 24 hours. Thank you!

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