Despite the decline in divorce rates, emotional disconnect, lack of emotional safety, and unresolved conflict (including chronic bickering) remain leading contributors to relationship breakdowns. What remains consistent is the impact. Couples always have a choice in how they navigate the deconstruction of their unions, a layered onion involving complex emotions, behavior choices impacting children, social and family implications and of course, finances.

Marriages don’t need to end in a dramatic Hollywood-worthy fireball. For some couples there is a unique opportunity to wind things down in a way that is protective of each other and their children emotionally, respectful of the positive memories that they do share. This can not only leave a lasting positive ripple effect on their relationship but more ongoing ease for family and friends.

How do you move through a divorce when you desire a clean and “high road” transition out of your marriage but your ex chooses not to meet you there?

Key Takeaways

• When one spouse behaves recklessly or unkindly during divorce, it can magnify grief, humiliation, and isolation.

• Emotional safety and emotional intelligence are integral to protecting yourself and your children.

• Focus on boundaries, grounding, and modeling respect rather than trying to control your ex’s behavior.

• Healing is possible even when your spouse’s actions feel cruel or publicly humiliating

When Dignity Meets Disrespect

Divorce is one of life’s most difficult transitions, especially when it involves children. For those determined to handle it with grace—to protect the emotional health of everyone involved and keep mutual friendships intact—the process can be an act of deep courage. But when the other spouse chooses a path of disparagement or public disrespect, that courage is tested in ways that can be a shock to the nervous system and deeply painful.

Imagine trying to keep the separation private and respectful while your ex begins speaking negatively about you to mutual friends, perhaps embellishing history or victimizing themselves, an obviously one-sided story. Before the community fully knows you’re divorced, they begin appearing publicly with someone new—a relationship that overlaps socially or emotionally with your shared friend group or others. They might even bring this person into gatherings of couples who once supported you both, placing you in an emotionally unsafe position as the marriage in still winding down and being detangled.

For the emotionally aware spouse, this kind of behavior feels like a betrayal layered with humiliation. It’s not just the loss of the dream of a long-term marriage and family —it’s the public unraveling of your story in the eyes of your community.

Why People Act Out During Divorce

When a person lacks emotional intelligence or self-awareness, they often act from defensiveness, shame, or fear of rejection. Instead of processing grief, they look outward—seeking validation through attention, new relationships, or control of the narrative. Speaking ill of an ex, flaunting a new partner, or integrating that partner prematurely into shared circles are often desperate attempts to avoid vulnerability.

Unfortunately, these choices violate emotional boundaries, create discomfort in the community, and often retraumatize the partner who is trying to keep things clean and kind.

As unfair as it feels, it’s important to remember: their actions reflect their internal state, not your worth or your truth.

The Emotional Toll on the Partner Taking the High Road

Being the spouse who remains emotionally grounded in the face of public betrayal can feel lonely. You may find yourself wondering: Do people believe what’s being said about me? Should I defend myself? How do I maintain integrity when my ex is not? Will my children hear something about this and how will it make them feel?

This kind of emotional mismatch can create an intense sense of injustice and isolation. You may also experience anger, shame, or deep sadness as you watch your social network shift or some friends becoming distant. When an ex involves others in these ways, it can’t help but have a ripple effect, creating discomfort. Many don’t know how to handle situations like this and may choose to avoid it all together, which might mean avoid you.

The temptation to retaliate or “set the record straight” is understandable—but doing so can often feed the very dynamic you want to escape. Instead, the healthiest approach is to protect your energy and focus on your integrity.

Protecting Your Emotional Health

1. Resist Public Engagement
   Don’t engage in the same behaviors. Speak your truth only to trusted, emotionally safe people. The more you refrain from gossip or counterattacks, the clearer your integrity becomes over time.

2. Redefine Your Circle
   Some friends may fade away or take sides. This can be painful, but it can also reveal who your people truly are. Lean into the relationships of those who show you by words and actions they are there. Allow others to fall away without forcing understanding.

3. Create Emotional Distance
   Limit exposure to shared social situations where you might encounter your ex and their new partner prematurely. Protect your nervous system.

4. Focus on What You Can Control
   You cannot manage your ex’s choices or their narratives. What you can control is your emotional regulation, your behavior, and how you show up for your children.

5. Work with a Therapist
   A therapist—especially one specializing in divorce recovery, emotional safety, or family systems—can help you navigate grief, betrayal, and the disorientation that comes when your world feels exposed.

6. Ground in Self-Worth
   Remember: being the steady, emotionally available parent and ex-spouse is not weakness—it’s strength. Your calmness and integrity speak will ultimately speak the loudest.

Supporting Children Throught the Fallout

The ways to help children through any discomfort that may come from the choices of your ex depend on their ages. Younger children will likely have less awareness of the dynamics above but if adolescents or adult children become aware of this kind of imbalance between parents, they can feel conflicted, confused or embarrassed. They may see one parent behaving disrespectfully and the other trying to hold steady. They might feel pressure to “take sides” or worry about saying the wrong thing.

To protect their emotional health of children who have become aware of the situation:

1. Provide consistency and truth without blame. You can be honest about what’s happening without vilifying your ex. For example: “There are some adult choices happening right now that you don’t need to carry. What matters most is that you’re loved, regardless.”

2. Encourage emotional expression. Let them share anger, embarrassment, or sadness. Listening without judgment teaches emotional safety.

3. Model self-respect. They’re watching how you handle disrespect and loss. Seeing you respond with calm boundaries will shape how they handle future relationships.

4. Maintain stability. Keep routines predictable—schoolwork, meals, and time together. Structure helps them regulate when the world feels uncertain.

Moving Toward Healing

Even when the other parent acts without empathy and has chosen to “soil the nest” as they leave, you can still protect what’s sacred: your peace, your values, and your children’s sense of safety. Over time, the community recognizes steady integrity for what it is.

You cannot rewrite your ex’s story, but you can write your own—a story defined by self-respect and self-regulation. Practice tools to tend carefully to your nervous system; meditation, a gratitude practice and sharing your feelings with trusted friends.

That’s where true healing begins—not in public defense, but in private peace.

FAQ

How do I stop my ex from badmouthing me?
You can’t control what they say, but you can control how you respond. Keep communication factual, model respect, and let time reveal the truth. If it impacts your children, a family therapist can help mediate.

Should I tell people the truth about what happened?
Choose discretion. Share your experience only with trusted friends who are emotionally safe. Over-explaining often fuels more gossip and misunderstanding.

What if my ex’s new partner becomes part of our social circle?
Minimize unnecessary contact. Focus on maintaining your emotional safety. Over time, authenticity and grace tend to expose immaturity without you needing to say a word.

How can I protect my kids from being pulled into conflict?
Avoid venting about your ex in front of them. Encourage them to share feelings and reassure them they don’t have to choose sides. Consistent love and stability are the best shields.