Dear Sybersue,

My partner and I have been together for 5 years. We were very happy and both honoured each other’s boundaries until last year when everything changed. My partner has become controlling. He gaslights me and spins any conversation or disagreement that we have to suit him. He always has to be right, and whenever I respond, he shuts me down and walks out of the room.

Why is he disrespecting me in this way? It is becoming a very big problem between us. Can we fix this? I appreciate any advice you can offer me regarding this issue.

Thank you, Lisa

Hi Lisa,

Changes in relationships are inevitable, but mutual respect should always be maintained for one another’s boundaries. Many variables could be at play here. Your partner may be dealing with some new changes or self-doubt in his life. This could be due to his job, his self-esteem feeling challenged, or any physical/medical transformations that have occurred for him.

Did any big adjustments arise in your relationship that you both had to deal with? Were there any career issues? Reduced income? Having children? Mortgage alterations? Whatever is transpiring in his life, he needs to be transparent and communicate this with you. Something has definitely shifted within your partnership.

Disregarding your boundaries fuels ongoing conflict by making you feel disrespected.

I’m happy to see that you have self-respect and understand that his behaviour is a form of manipulation. There is a possibility that he is not even aware that he is treating you this way. Some people test boundaries to gain dominance or control in their relationship. This is often due to new insecurities they are feeling.

Have things improved in your life at present? If he feels that your life is going better than his, he might feel envious. This could be adding to his mood change and leave him feeling left behind. That is something he will have to work on, though. You should both always be happy and appreciative of each others accomplishments.

This has been going on for a year without any proper communication between you as a couple. Do not let this go on any longer without having a discussion. Sit down with your partner and openly communicate your thoughts.

Be transparent but gentle with your feelings. Reiterate that your boundaries need to be respected so that you can feel heard and safe in your relationship. Ask him to be honest with you about his emotional well being and any animosity he is feeling toward you right now. Hear him out and try not to become defensive. I know this can be difficult.

Please refrain from pointing fingers at each other in blame.

Use words like: “I feel sad about what is happening in our relationship.” Say, “I would like to make this better between us.” Express, “I miss being close and connected.” Be gentle with how you deliver your words. Diplomacy is very important here. We don’t always want to hear negative things our partners have to say about us, or what’s causing a disconnect in the relationship.

He may be disrespecting your boundaries in retaliation if he feels any criticism from you. He might also have new insecurities he is dealing with, or he’s losing his confidence for whatever reason. Be open to hearing his concerns without harsh judgment or retaliation. You may not be aware of the part you are contributing to this relationship issue. You both should be capable of owning your mistakes. It takes two people to make or break a relationship.

It is essential to set consequences if this disrespect persists.

If he is not willing to sit down and open up, it will be tough to hang in there with optimism. You need to discuss what has changed in your relationship. Couples counselling should be a priority at this stage. Sometimes it takes a neutral third party to guide you toward a healthier, more respectful way of communicating.

You both should want to make things better and be on the same page. You will not be able to rectify things if you’re both not willing to comply with reciprocal effort!

Boundaries are not meant to keep your partner out. They are there to protect, not exclude.

Boundaries are about choosing what you allow in your life. They are bridges built to protect your self-respect. When they are continually dismissed by your partner, it can leave you feeling undervalued and invisible within your relationship. If your partner continues to cross the line and knows how this hurts you, it is time to reevaluate the relationship. Decide if it is repairable.

You deserve to feel secure and trust that your partner has your back and best interests at heart. This needs to be reciprocated and honoured for a committed relationship to work long-term. Communication is imperative at this time. When you no longer feel valued or respected by your partner, it can be very difficult to salvage the love you once shared.

*Please watch the video below for more information on today’s question from Lisa.

Thank you, Sybersue xo ❤

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