Dear Sybersue,

I have been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend Thomas for 18 months. During that time, we broke up a few twice, and both only lasted for a couple of days. This last breakup is the exception, which has now been for over three weeks with no contact.

We live 3 hours away, but we have always compromised taking turns visiting each other every 1-2 weeks. Making time to get together has never been an issue between us. Before we met, he dated many girls, but never really had a solid relationship. I was the first woman he had committed to, and he is the first guy I have ever truly loved. We are both 25 years old.

Despite loving one another, our relationship has always been a bumpy ride. We have dealt with lies, mistrust, and jealousy. Sadly, we have also both cheated on each other but still wanted to stay together despite all the obstacles. Our recent breakup happened because he said that our constant fights were getting to him. The drama was starting to change his feelings towards me and he needed a break from it all.

He confessed that he’s envious of his friends who are in normal relationships. They don’t argue and are void of the problems of dealing with a long-distance partnership. He wants to be alone right now and apologizes for his part in everything that went wrong between us. He said he would never love a girl the way he loves me.

So then why would he end things?

Maybe I am in denial, but I just can’t accept that it is over. We had many great times and were so good as a couple for the most part. A few weeks before we broke up, he said he wanted to get an apartment and live together. I now regret telling him that it was best I waited until I had my finances in order.

I am hoping that this time apart will do us both some good. Maybe it will clarify what he truly wants. I feel he sends mixed signals to me about wanting a relationship and not wanting a relationship. What do you think? Is there a chance that we can rekindle our partnership at a later date?

I am confused about everything because he did tell me he loved me 3 weeks ago. Now we have broken up once again, but it feels more final this time than in the past. I appreciate anything you have to say about our situation. Thank you so much for taking the time to answer my concerns.

Grace

Dear Grace,

Your first real love can be a very confusing time. There are new emotions that you have never really dealt with before. It is a wonderful, euphoric feeling, regardless of the obstacles you have endured together. Unfortunately, long-distance relationships are very difficult to maintain, due to insecurities many couples feel while they are apart. This sounds like one of the biggest concerns for Thomas right now. He is envious of couples who do not have a geographical situation complicating things.

The one thing clear to me is that you both don’t feel secure in your partnership.

This is probably the reason for your constant fighting and the push/pull style of your partnership. You mentioned that you cheated on each other during your 18 months together. Infidelity is a big red flag and also where these trust and jealousy issues come in. On top of that, you may be subconsciously sabotaging things due to the insecurities you both feel.

There are strategies for overcoming long-distance relationship challenges, but you both have to be in alignment. Your communication as a couple has to be open and transparent. Corresponding regularly when you are not together is crucial. This includes phone calls, daily texting and date nights via video calls. Maintaining the courtship is imperative to keep the romance strong and in a secure place.

You stated that you were the first girl he committed to, but in reality, he has not been completely committed. Neither have you. I believe that he loves you, Grace, but love is not always enough to sustain a partnership together. Taking a break is not the answer either. When a relationship is right, you don’t walk away from each other. I think that you both need some time to understand what you truly want in a partnership.

Another red flag is that you’re not ready to move in with him.

This is a big statement that something is missing in this partnership for you. It sounds like it is you who is confused and sending mixed signals about your partnership. He was willing to move in with you, which shows that he was serious about making this relationship work. Telling him that you weren’t ready to move in with him was probably the last straw.

Money will always be an issue in relationships, Grace. I am sure you can budget accordingly if you are ready to commit. This is something you need to be honest with yourself about. Thomas is probably feeling that you’re not on the same page in your relationship. He is ready to take the next step, but you are not. That is why he ended things.

I suggest setting up a time to talk with him in the next few weeks. If he is willing to get together, you have much to discuss. Please make sure you are not missing him out of habit. Confirm that you really do love him before setting this in motion. Sometimes our egos get in the way of our real feelings! Also, ensure you are prepared for a serious relationship if you set things in motion again. This means being ready to move in with him.

You both have trust issues, which causes the demise of many relationships. Breaking up 3 times in 18 months is not healthy. You both need to analyze why this transpired. If there is any chance of rekindling things down the road, this ongoing drama needs to stop. If he is not willing to meet up with you, then you will have your answer. He is ready to move on.

Everyone comes into your life for a reason. However, it is important to know when their time has expired. This way, you can start to move on to finding a more suitable partnership that brings you happiness. Relationships can be challenging, but they shouldn’t be a continual roller coaster ride.

Maintaining self-respect should always be adhered to with anyone who enters your life. Be careful not to get addicted to the breakup-makeup highs and lows. It is time to discover whether the love you have shared has a chance to succeed. Do you truly love Thomas, or is it time to let him go?

Thank you, Sybersue xo ❤

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