Dear Sybersue,

I am a subscriber to your YouTube channel, and I am really hoping you can help me with this issue that I am having with my girlfriend. We have been together in a committed partnership for one year. Well, at least, I am committed, but she seems confused about what she wants in our partnership.

Looking back, it has been this way from the start. I should have done something about this long ago, but I kept hoping things would change. She tells me she loves me, but her actions speak differently. She’s not very affectionate most of the time and then out of the blue, she literally drags me into the bedroom and wants to have passionate sex for 3 hours. It’s like I’m living with two different women!

When I ask her about this, she says I’m imagining it, and that I am being insecure about her love for me! I think anyone in this situation would be a little insecure about dealing with this hot and cold treatment from their partner!

She did have a terrible breakup two years before I met her, and I’m wondering if that has scarred her and left her emotionally unavailable to fully commit. She denies that there are any underlying problems, and she says that she is totally happy with me as her partner. I feel that she isn’t being honest with me and something is going on that prevents her from totally committing to me. I am very disillusioned, and I’m not sure what to do anymore.

What do you think? Any advice you have about this would be greatly appreciated!

Thank you so much, Kevin

Dear Kevin,

Thanks for writing, and thank you for being a subscriber. I appreciate that! I absolutely understand your frustration here because you are definitely getting mixed signals from your girlfriend. Not only that, but I agree that there is something she is holding back from you. She may have subconsciously buried an issue from her past breakup that you mentioned, or at some other time in her life before she met you. She might not even be aware that this is the reason there are problems in your relationship.

The bottom line here is that you feel you’re in a one-sided partnership.

Kevin, you have been dealing with this for a year with no adjustments being made on her part. You mustn’t short-change your own happiness by waiting around hoping things will eventually change. You mentioned that it’s been this way since the beginning of your partnership, and your girlfriend does not understand that there is an ongoing problem. She hasn’t made any attempt to look into her behavior and how she’s acting toward you. She’s ignoring your concerns and not putting energy into repairing the obvious rift in your relationship. That is not OK.

You are questioning how to move forward and improve things between you both, but unfortunately, she does not own the part she is playing here. It will be very difficult to resolve this when she doesn’t think there is an issue to begin with. It might be time to sit her down and have a serious conversation about where your partnership is headed. Does she want a committed relationship? Does she want marriage, children, and all the things that go with it, or is she happy with the way things are at present?

It is very important to be on the same page with what you both want in a committed partnership after being together for a year.

It sounds like you’re invested with your girlfriend, but it may not be on equal footing. You understand that this is something you can’t repair by yourself. Unfortunately, if she is in denial that there is an ongoing disconnect between you, then she may not accept the idea if you were to suggest couples counseling. Regardless, I would advise that you make an appointment with a counselor that you trust, and go by yourself if she won’t join you.

There may be something that you need to learn about yourself that could help you understand what brought the two of you together. What attracted you to each other? You have been holding on for a year hoping things would improve in your partnership, and maybe you need to figure out why that is. If you’re not compatible and have had this same problem since the day you met one another, what is keeping you in this unhappy environment? There may be an underlying personal situation that you also need to resolve.

If your girlfriend isn’t willing to make any changes, then you might have your answer about what you should do moving forward. You’ve given her enough time to communicate what’s going on, and you are no closer to comprehending what the problem is. At the very least, by talking to a professional, you may gain some clarity that helps you understand what’s happening. A healthy partnership is two people reciprocating the energy into their special bond. This includes putting an equal effort into nurturing the love between you. It’s not just your job to make it work or to try to fix her, Kevin.

Prioritizing self-care to combat the emotional drama in your relationship

You sound like a stand-up guy, and the fact that you’ve been trying to make things work in your relationship this past year says a lot. Many people would have walked away after this time frame, but your love for your girlfriend has kept you committed. Practicing self-love is also very important so that you don’t lose sight of your boundaries, and personal needs that come with being in a healthy partnership.

You are wise to question things at this stage, because being in an unbalanced partnership is never an ideal place to be. It’s time to do what works for you now, Kevin. I truly believe that talking to someone on a professional level will give you the tools you need to go in the right direction. Your girlfriend is either committed to this partnership and gets the help to prove that to you, or you may have to make the difficult decision to walk away.

Please keep me posted on what you decide to do moving forward. Be very proud that you respect yourself enough to reach out and ask for guidance. That is definitely the first step to finding the answers you are looking for.

Sybersue

*Please click on the video below to hear more about Kevin’s situation

Thank you, Sybersue xo <3

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