Secure people are a special breed and so many anxious and fearful avoidant people look up to them for inspiration, because of the secure person’s sense of internal resourcefulness.

In this article, we’re going to learn how secure people handle breakups so that you can model the secure person’s security enhancing thought patterns. 

Keep in mind that securely attached people aren’t perfect people, but they are more likely to be able to regulate their emotions after a breakup and comfortably grieve the breakup if needed (including not moving on too fast or going on the rebound).

Related: What Is Disorganized Attachment Style? 9 Common Signs & How to Heal.

Secure People & Breakups: 3 Principles of Secure Attachment

There are three main security enhancing mental and emotional processes that secure people possess that allows them to process the breakup and move forward in a healthy way.

Let’s discover what these three processes are.

Recommended reading: Breakups: How Anxious Attachment Styles Cope & Behave.

#1: Secure People Don’t Usually Break Up Unless They’re Serious About It

First of all, secure people don’t usually break up with someone unless they’re serious about it.

They aren’t about the stupid break up games because the games resonate more with insecurely attached people who can’t manage the fight or flight responses within themselves. 

Securely attached people don’t need to threaten the relationship or feign a breakup in order to feel safe and regulated.

They came from a background where relationships and bonding are generally felt as stable, reliable and trustworthy.

(Once trust has been gained of course. Most secure people are smart enough to not just trust anyone).

And because their inner template of attachment registers close relationships as safe and reliable, they’re more likely to approach relationships as if they expect them to last.

Therefore, why would there be a need to break up? Unless the damage done in the relationship is irreversible or the trust has been ruined, there’s no need.

Moving onto the second point…

#2: Secure People Are Inclined to Leave Relationships that Make Them Feel LESS Secure…

Secure people are sensitive to relationships that make them feel less secure. Their blueprint for relationships is that close relationships are a source of joy, shared resources and safety. 

For example, when dealing with an avoidant, the secure person would eventually notice how the avoidant sees the relationship as a zero sum game.

When they notice that, they’ll either try to help the avoidant come closer and bond to them, or they’ll notice that that’s an impossible feat, and just walk away with grace.

It all depends on how long they’re been trying with the avoidant and whether they’ve gotten the message that it’s futile or not. 

Even if the person they’re dating or in a relationships with isn’t an avoidantly attached person, and they just aren’t the ‘right one’ for the secure person, they’re much happier and more able to leave.

Because they know it’s not right. They know they don’t need to cling onto the something that isn’t meant to be.

MORE: How To Let Go Of An Avoidant Man When You’re Anxious (+ Advice If You’re Secure).

Of course not all secure people are the same. Some will walk away faster than others, because everyone learns their lesson or has their epiphany at different rates.

If you’d like to get a score for how secure you are and find out where you sit on my personalised attachment spectrum, take my free attachment quiz. I’ve embedded it below:

Do the quiz: What is my attachment style?

#3: Secure People Have The Inner Freedom to Walk Away…

The secure person is much more able to walk away and stay away because they have a rock solid sense of identity.

This solid sense of identity allows them to be genuinely self reliant, not like the compulsive self reliance that the avoidant models, which is fake inner security stemming from neglect. 

See, you and I can only walk way from a breakup without running back to the toxic relationship in days, if we genuinely have a strong positive identity. 

Fortunately for the secure person, their amazing caregivers inferred that autonomy onto them through love and devotion.

Through just wanting the best for them and through doing the best for them, their mother or father found a way to help their child adopt resilient thought patterns. 

But unfortunately for the anxiously attached, the fearful avoidants or avoidants, they weren’t so lucky.

So an anxious or fearful avoidant person would need to develop that sense of autonomy through one thing only. Developing a positive sense of identity.

When you have a rock solid identity, you are able to let go without feeling like your life and your sanity are going to disappear before your eyes. Because you trust yourself to find a way. You’re truly resilient. 

A Thought Exercise to Become More Secure After A Breakup…

So here’s a thought exercise to help you develop a positive sense of identity:

“What have I already given, to someone or something, even a pet that was significant or has helped them?”

Really ask yourself that question and take the time to answer it properly. Don’t gloss over it. Actually answer it!

As someone who has had to heal my anxious attachment for 20 years, this was one of the most helpful questions I ever asked myself that fast-tracked my healing.

And I learned this question from non other than my securely attached husband (who also works alongside me coaching people in healing insecure attachment).

For more relevant reading, check out my article on How A Secure Person Handles An Avoidant Pulling Away.

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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. She graduated with a bachelor of Law and bachelor of Arts majoring in sociology and psychology. She has been a dating and relationship coach for women in the past 15 years and together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 20 million women through their articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.

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