Your avoidant pulling away can me maddening, but it doesn’t have to cause you to spiral, and we’re going to discover exactly how securely attached people respond to avoidants pulling away, so that you can:

• Model the secure person’s behaviour; and
• Start to resonate with their security-enhancing techniques and thought processes. 

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Secure Attachment Is An Inner Resource

First of all, understand that secure attachment is an inner resource by which secure people draw from during stressful times.

This means that secure people would be able to react without a fight or flight response when the avoidant pulls away, because their nervous systems are well regulated.

Instead, they seek to understand or to problem solve. Now:

Just so that you understand the general differences in behavior of men and women, I have to make a distinction here between the masculine and feminine responses of secure people…

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Masculine Versus Feminine Response

In general, masculine men tend to problem solve in their default state, whereas feminine women would go to nurturing in terms of their actions.

But their actions both come from a place of resourcefulness, not from a place of fighting or fleeing if they’re truly securely attached. 

And this is a general bias in the behavior of masculine men and feminine women. But the problem solving and nurturing behaviors of secure people usually don’t carry an air of stress or anxiety.

So I want you to be aware of the masculine and feminine biases in behavior, and don’t assume that they come from insecure attachment styles.

Because insecure attachment styles have at their core a fight or flight response under stress. Secure people go to that response only when it’s truly necessary.

Simply put, it’s not always the behavior that betray insecure attachment, but rather, it’s the energy the behavior carries with it.

Recommended: Why Avoidant Men CHEAT.

What A Secure Person Does The Minute An Avoidant Pulls Away

So a secure person, (man or woman) would notice the avoidant pulling away and acknowledge the sudden change in behaviour. Then they’d get curious and ask themselves a question:

“This is unexpected, did I do something to cause this?”

They might reach out to ask if the avoidant is ok, or if they need anything.

Related: 11 Genius Ways to Communicate to An Avoidant Partner.

Remember, secure people who are invested in a relationship are able to put connection first. That’s the privilege of securely attached individuals.

And this is also why I often say, focus on building emotional connection and emotional attraction. It is these two factors and these two factors alone that keep a relationship healthy long term. This is the secure behavior you should emulate.

If you want to discover your CORE attachment style and get a score for how secure you are, take my free attachment quiz below (it only takes 3 minutes):

Do the quiz: What is my attachment style?

If the Avoidant Repeatedly Pulls Away, Here’s How A Secure Person Handles It…

If the secure person has experienced this pulling away with the avoidant many times in the past, their behaviour will look a little different. There are two possibilities the secure person will choose.

Let’s start with the first possibility.

The first possibility happens when the secure person wants to continue the relationship with the avoidant despite the avoidant repeatedly pulling away, and here’s what they’d do.

They may tell the avoidant:

“I’m here if you need anything”.

The second possibility occurs if the secure person has come to the realisation that the avoidant is repeatedly sabotaging the connection.

And this realisation has allowed them to see that the relationship is not going anywhere.

Since secure people typically try in earnest to create connection in a relationship, and the avoidant would’ve responded with hostility or pulled away, the securely attached person would choose to end the relationship with the avoidant.

The ONLY Scenario In Which Secure People STAY With An Avoidant…

I want you to remember this: a secure person would only waste their valuable energy on an avoidant for one reason:

They’re misguided about the psychology of avoidants.

In other words, they project their own inner security onto the avoidant, believing erroneously that the avoidant sees them positively and that the avoidant will return with more presence when they’re ready. 

And that’s just not the case, because avoidants see only themselves positively and others negatively. Also, be aware that I’m talking about pure avoidants.

If you’re dealing with a fearful avoidant or someone with disorganised attachment style, that person would swing the pendulum from seeing you negatively and themselves positively (the avoidant’s inner blueprint) to seeing themselves negatively and you positively – basically putting you on a pedestal.

And that tendency to see themselves negatively comes from the anxious attachment pattern in the disorganised framework.

So let me know in the comments below: what is your typical response when your avoidant pulls away? What have you done in the past?

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Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. She graduated with a bachelor of Law and bachelor of Arts majoring in sociology and psychology. She has been a dating and relationship coach for women in the past 15 years and together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 20 million women through their articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.

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