Sometimes the biggest relationship problems are not the loudest. Be most concerned about the issues that go unspoken, especially if conflict avoidance is normal for both partners.

Key Takeaways

• Subtle, consistent negativity or lack of emotional presence is often the “relationship killer” we ignore.

• Quiet forms of disconnection—like emotional withdrawal, conflict avoidance, or silent treatment—can be more damaging than explosive conflict.

• The antidote is gentle awareness: noticing small disengagements and responding with curiosity and care.

• Rebuilding intimacy requires consistent effort: expressing appreciation, staying emotionally available, and re-engaging daily.

• Left unchecked, these under-the-radar dynamics can erode trust—or be reversed through proactive communication and small rituals of reconnection.

Relationship researchers are integral to raising awareness about the harmful behaviors that couples can do to each other, either intentionally or more often, not realizing the damage done. For example, we know from Dr. John Gottman’s work, that there are four communication patterns that can predict whether a couple will stay together or break up:

1. criticism
2. contempt
3. defensiveness
4. stonewalling

We know high conflict couples are in deep trouble if they don’t learn how to better communicate, take responsibility for each of their roles in the relationship issues, and work towards shifting away from an adversarial position to a collaborative one. Dr. Gottman’s research has also shown couples who turn towards their partner for emotional connection and are skilled at making repairs are more successful than couples who don’t.

Despite all this progress, there is one relationship killer which doesn’t receive as much attention and is just as damaging. It has the potential to slowly erode the foundation of love and trust over the course of a relationship.

Silence is dangerous.

Do you know a couple who appears to have it all together, never seems to fight, and appear to have an amazing relationship? Well, they might. But if you look under the hood, there may be an engine failure.

Some couples who are both conflict avoidant, tend to sweep things under the rug when they are hurt, angry, or disappointed. These relationships can actually be in more trouble than those who fight a lot. The danger is in the silence, what is not being said but rather being kept inside.

This is the couple I am most concerned about because their wounds remain hidden. But their lack of open and honest communication with each other not only builds resentment but impacts the quality of the connection and emotional safety of their relationship.

Emotional disconnection can be slow and insidious. The damage may be fairly silent but come out in sudden bursts of frustration or reactions to situations that don’t seem to match what happened.

A loving, healthy, and connected marriage or relationship stays that way partly because there is an ongoing dialogue about things that matter. These couples frequently get an emotional read on each other, make repairs when needed as well as celebrate their wins.

Learn to share your feelings and work through challenges.

Your relationship needs to be nurtured to survive. Even if things are generally pretty good, continue to do your best to take care of each other and know where you are. Even in a busy life, make time for meaningful loving interactions and conversations that demonstrate care for each other. The goal is not let silence be the ultimate death of you.

If you feel hurt, share it. Check your assumptions as you may have misunderstood an interaction. If you have inadvertently hurt your partner, apologize and repair for it. Learn from these interactions and do your best moving forward.

Frequently Asked Questions

1. What exactly is the “under‑the‑radar” relationship killer?
The inability to communicate distress to each other due to conflict avoidant patterns or other. Silence leads to emotional disconnection with can lead to a severe breakdown of your relationship.

2. How can I tell if our relationship is in distress?
Notice small signs: less eye contact, fewer meaningful conversations, emotional hollowness after days together. If you feel disconnected, that’s a warning.

3. How do we address it without blaming each other?
Use curiosity-based communication: “I’ve been feeling distant—can we talk?” Focus on your experience rather than accusing.

4. What habits help restore connection?
Try daily check-ins, appreciation rituals, non-sexual touch, shared activities, or weekly relationship “check-in” time.

5. When should we seek help?
If emotional disengagement persists or you’re caught in avoidance cycles, a couples therapist can help you rebuild trust and rekindle intimacy. If conflict avoidance is a pattern for one or both of you, understand the roots of this by seeking family of origin therapy.

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This article by Lisa was originally published on The Gottman Relationship Blog.