Welcome to Dear Sybersue. Today’s topic is one that has always kept me baffled.

Why do both men and women open up so quickly on a date about their flaws, difficult things that have happened to them in their lives, their ex, or talk about their insecurities? Doesn’t it make much more sense to put out your positive attributes before you tell someone these very personal issues?

I admit that I do watch The Bachelor and The Bachelorette TV series, mainly due to the dating and relationship topics that arise. (The comment section about these shows on social media platforms can also be very interesting!) The one thing I have noticed with both the men and the women who appear on these shows is how fast they share personal things that aren’t all that positive.

I understand that we all have sad or difficult stories in our lives, but discussing them before you even know someone can sabotage what could be a positive connection. There seems to be a need-to-get-this-out-of-the-way-quickly approach, and if the person still likes you after you tell them all this information, then maybe you will have a great relationship moving forward. Doesn’t that sound counterproductive to you?

You only have one date to make a good first impression, so be aware of common mistakes in early dating conversations.

I’m sure you know how important making a great first impression is, so why would you tell someone about all your flaws, bad dating/relationship stories, or painful childhood memories with someone you don’t know? Wouldn’t it be a better idea to have fun and make them like you first before you tell them all the sorted details?

It’s not being dishonest if you’re not sharing everything with someone immediately after meeting them. It’s being protective of yourself!

Furthermore, it is important to build up a foundation and trust for someone before you show too much vulnerability and transparency. TMI of any sort is just too much to give out at any time! It certainly is not a safe approach, and safety is your #1 priority when out on any date. Always take the time to get to know someone when sharing private details about your life. They need to earn your trust!

Photo by Jarritos Mexican Soda on Unsplash

Conversations on a date should be light-hearted and fun!

If things go well on your first date, there’s plenty of time to get into more serious topics. The last thing you should want to tell a potential partner is about your insecurities or all your fears. The important thing to remember is we all have them, but we don’t need to point out our flaws to every person we meet.

Unfortunately, this is happening way too often today when it comes to dating. Think about it, if you spend the entire date divulging things you don’t like about yourself, why would you expect someone else to be okay with it if you’re not?

Sadly, social media hype has not made this easier, and some people are feeling more insecure than ever. With all the cosmetic techniques and surgeries available, there is a growing competitive nature to strive for perfection. Both sexes have imperfections but drawing attention to them is not the way to handle it. Being confident and comfortable in your own skin is an attraction like no other.

Many men that I have spoken with do not have a problem with women who have a full figure, and they embrace a woman who owns her body without self-criticism. We are far too hard on ourselves sometimes, but I do understand why this is happening. There are way too many people making negative comments about someone’s appearance. This happens far too often in the comments section of most social media platforms.

The fine line between sharing and oversharing in the early stages of dating.

If you find that you’re not getting past the first or second date, take an honest look at what transpired during those times.

• Were the discussions reciprocated?
• Do you find that you repeat a lot of similar conversations on every date?
• Do you tend to come across as more serious than playful?
• Is your question line due to a regimented checklist you follow?
• Are you sharing information about your past dating or relationship history?
• Have you told many of your dates that you are not looking or ready for a commitment?

Please pay close attention to these things mentioned above. You may not even realize that you’re giving out way too much information, and this could scare people off. It’s important to see if you like each other first before you tell them personal things about yourself. Be aware if you’re talking about negative situations or overly optimistic things about yourself. Both of these scenarios can come across as oversharing.

Finding balance on first dates; Always make sure that the conversation is reciprocated!

If the discussion is starting to go sideways, change it up quickly. Make sure you take turns initiating the conversation. Most people are a little nervous on a first date, so don’t be too quick to judge someone. Steer the discussion into a different direction to make them more comfortable. Find out what they like doing for fun and pay attention to what you both have in common. This will lighten up the atmosphere and help your date relax.

Some of my clients tell me that there seem to be many discussions about their exes fairly quickly on a date. This is a big mistake that needs to change. Why talk about something that doesn’t serve you anymore? Why give energy to your past with someone who could be your future?

If you find that you are talking about your Ex on most dates, you are not ready to put yourself out there again. Take some time to be alone and reflect on what happened in your partnership to cause your break up.

Going from one relationship to the next is not teaching you anything. It is crucial to understand what didn’t work between you and your Ex so that you can improve how you interact with other love interests in the future. Your heart and self-esteem need time to heal.

Some men and women repeat unhealthy patterns because they rebound very quickly into another scenario that continues to end in the same manner. They are not getting the message they are supposed to be learning.

Photo by bruce mars on Unsplash

Start fresh on every date.

We all make mistakes when we are dating. It’s certainly not an easy process, and it takes time to build up confidence and to be able to feel comfortable when meeting someone new you are attracted to.

Be fun and flirty and shut the door on tense conversations! No one needs to know all your medical history, you’re afraid to be alone, you are emotionally unavailable due to childhood issues, or you have trouble trusting people due to your past relationships.

These types of comments can quickly sabotage having a connection with someone because you’re telling them all the reasons why they shouldn’t be in a relationship with you.

This is way too much information and shows that you are still dealing with emotional baggage. It is not someone’s job to fix you, and they are not your therapist. Put yourself in their shoes, would you want to hear that from them? They just want to have a nice first date and explore the possibility of having a mutual connection.

People don’t spend time in situations that don’t serve them well and this is why it is so important to be your best authentic self each time you meet someone.

Having an optimistic mindset is very important whether you’re single, dating, or in a relationship.

Life is not easy for many people, but looking at things in a positive light is much more alluring than listening to someone who is continually looking at the glass as half empty. Always be the best version of yourself and learn those tough lessons quickly by acknowledging them. Ignoring them will eventually build up a resentment and distrust toward a potential partner that may come your way.

Be grateful for some of those difficult times you have had to deal with because they are helping you to evolve to a higher level of self-worth. When you take ownership of the part you played in your past dating and relationship experiences, is when you will start to find the right path that brings you the happiness you deserve.

Thank you, Sybersue xo ❤️

Private Dating Relationship Coaching With Sybersue – Don’t hesitate to get in touch with me @ [email protected] and message me there to set up a video or audio appointment within 24 hours. Thank you!

Susan McCord @ Dear Sybersue YouTube – Dear Sybersue Facebook

Dear Sybersue Blogs & Advice Column –  Dear Sybersue Instagram

Related