Black cat energy is a new term in dating and relationships made popular by social media platforms like Tik Tok and YouTube. 

It refers to a relationship dynamic whereby if the woman is the black cat in the relationship, she will inspire her man to be the loyal golden retriever who chases her (and she will always be the one being chased.)

This black cat golden retriever dynamic is said to be important well into a decades-long marriage.

If the woman is to embody black cat energy, then she will show up in the relationship as a woman who is:

• Mysterious
• Desirable
• Unbothered
• Independent
• Feminine
• The one doing the choosing
• An enigma sitting up on a pedestal; and
• Able to be chased (or won over) by her man.

Seems simple enough? 

Yes, simple. But it’s damaging to your love life (and your feminine authenticity).

I’ll explain why it’s damaging to your love life in this article. But first let me go through some more of the basic principles of black cat energy and why influencers are touting its importance.

Did you know:

There Are 7 Common Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to All Men. Do You Know What They Are & How to Avoid Them Like the Plague?

CLICK here to discover the 7 common signs that a woman is perceived as low value in the eyes of men in this special report. 

(Why is this important? Because men and women perceive value very differently and you don’t want to be making mistakes that would cause quality men to dismiss, abandon or alienate you.) 

Key Takeaways

• TikTok influencers send the message that if a woman is the golden retriever in the relationship, she risks being unhappy and losing her man.
• The black cat golden retriever concept is damaging to your love life because it leads you down a path of power trips and power struggles.
• Men don’t love “the chase”, they love women with value. 
• We all chase what is value to us, men and women. (Men aren’t the only ones who chase!)
• Black cat energy encourages codependent relationships. 

If you prefer the video version of this topic, here it is!

Women Won’t Be Happy If THEY Are The Golden Retriever? 

At the core of it, these influencers might mean well. 

They are ostensibly giving women a concept they can use in their love life to avoid being unhappy in their relationship. 

(That’s the general idea. But in practice, the recipe they are giving women is not one of happiness, but rather it is of control.)

To paraphrase one influencer, being the black cat will stop women from feeling like they have to constantly compete with other women for her man. 

The perceived importance of showing up in your black cat energy is related to this assumption that women need to be chased by a guy in order to feel safe in a relationship and to feel wanted, or cherished. 

On the other hand, he (the man) should be in the golden retriever role. 

The golden retriever is the man who is loyal and devoted, at the woman’s beck and call, always ready to be chasing her.

CLICK HERE to Learn How to Become the World’s Most Attractive & Feminine Goddess (Even if you have no self esteem or no man has ever paid you any attention…)

The Man Won’t Feel Masculine Unless He’s Trying Hard to Win Her Over

Another reason why influencers stand behind this concept of black cat energy is that they believe men are biologically inclined to chase and work hard for things.

They do not like to feel like their woman is the golden retriever, because that means she will be trying to chase him and please him.

Supposedly, every relationship has a black cat and a golden retriever in it, and if you’re not the black cat, then you’re automatically the golden retriever.

MORE: 8 Ultimate Signs A Man Is Emotionally Attached To You. 

The whole premise is that men need to “chase” a woman – or earn something in order to value it.

But let me ask you this.

Are you a buffalo that a man needs to hunt?

Are you a fish in the sea that a man needs to hook?

Oh wait – are you a black cat? 

Because guess what – male cats don’t chase female cats unless it’s for mating. Then they abandon the female cat after sex. More on that in a minute.

You are not the object of “the hunt” as so many misguided people will have you believe.

If you were, he’d hunt you down, kill you and feed you to his family. 

You are a human who inspires a man’s devotion through:

1. Your feminine vulnerability
2. Your intrinsic value to men. 

Here’s a simple truth for you:

If a woman has no intrinsic value, a man won’t chase her, want her or invest in her no matter how much black cat energy she tries to emulate.

Harsh truth, but necessary.

No man wants a low value woman, and black cat energy is not the antidote to low value behavior in dating. 

Black cat energy also doesn’t make you intrinsically valuable, because:

1. It’s inauthentic, therefore it makes you invulnerable.
2. It’s not playful.
3. It doesn’t build emotional attraction.  
4. It doesn’t involve embodying true feminine vulnerability (high value vulnerability), and a man needs to feel that in you in order to inspire a man to chase you for a committed relationship. 

There are serious holes in this concept of black cat energy, and I am going to expose these holes, but also help you understand exactly why the black cat golden retriever concept will lead you down a path of toxicity, power trips and a lack of fulfillment. 

It’s About Control

Let’s be real here. The concept of black cat energy is not about what really works in romantic relationships.

At the heart of it, the black cat golden retriever ideology is about control.

(Also, there are all too many men out there who are in relationships where their woman wears “the pants” – ie: he’s the golden retriever, the
Pleaser dude”.)

So let’s establish why women would want control? 

• Because by nature, we are out of control.
• We are vulnerable.
• We might be insecurely attached. (If you don’t know whether your core attachment style is secure or insecure, click here to take my women specific quiz and find out.)
• We are feminine and therefore occasionally fragile and delicate.
• We need a man’s resources. Really badly at times. Just admit that. You want him to stick around. In fact, you really need him to stick around, especially when you’re invested in him emotionally and if you’re pregnant with his child.
• We hate feeling threatened by other women, so we’ll hold onto any kind of silly idea in order to feel like other women won’t take our man away from us. 
• We are scared of being abandoned. We don’t want our man to leave us.

…Well let me suggest to you a more sustainable, authentic solution than “black cat energy”.

Firstly, you don’t have to be afraid of being abandoned by a man if you form what is called a pair bond with him.

Men don’t need you to be a black cat – far from it.

In fact, in order for a man to be emotionally committed to you, he needs you to be the exact opposite of a black cat, which is authentic. 

What does authentic mean?

It means real. Imperfect. And definitely not in control. 

Women feel like they need to maintain control over a man in relationships and be chased by him (never her chasing him or desiring him), because of one reason:

Relationships mean so much to them.

Relationships are everything to us, because they are the key to the love, connectedness and the family we desire.

But without access to man’s masculinity, strength, devotion and resources, we can’t sustain that family unit we desire at the level we want. 

So we resort to control, as if that was some kind of outstanding, reliable solution. 

It’s not.

Your natural feminine vulnerability is the solution. 

And your feminine vulnerability has no way of showing up when you’re trying to be the black cat to his golden retriever.

Why?

Because you’re trying to control him. 

What the black cat golden retriever concept is asking you to do is try your utmost to be in control of your relationship and your emotions (which women secretly never truly are).

It’s asking you to create this facade of “independence” in order for a guy to be drawn in. 

I’ve written an article and made a video about whether you should be in control of your emotions or not. Linked below:

Click to read: Should I Control My Emotions To Be High Value?

And the video:

Look:

Real, emotionally committed relationships are never about independence. 

In fact, independence will kill the intimacy and trust in your relationship. 

Relationships require interdependency and trust in order to: 

1. Pool your resources together to successfully raise kids
2. And to have fully intimate, passionate sex; and
3. For you to truly understand each other and own each other’s hearts.

All this concept of independence is doing is encouraging women to become avoidant.

To shut off from their natural unpredictability, their natural yearning, vulnerability and perceived “craziness”, in order to force a man to constantly chase them. 

Some of these influencers conflate these ideas of independence and a healthy relationship. They assume interdependency means codependent.

But codependency is exactly what the black cat golden retriever relationship is breeding.

Let’s look at why that is.

MORE: Can’t Trust Anyone? 6 Hidden Signs They’re Untrustworthy.

SECRETS REVEALED… Discover how you too can use this little known “Dark Feminine Art” to weed out the toxic men whilst cultivating real emotional attraction with high value high esteemed men. (CLICK HERE to enrol in this free class before it’s gone.)

Black Cat Golden Retriever Perpetuates Toxic Codependency

First, let’s define codependent.

Cleveland Clinic shares that a codependent relationship involves a severe imbalance of power.

One person gives much more time, energy and focus to the other person, who takes advantage of the other person’s devotion or need to please.

This is where we have to look at the role of the golden retriever. The golden retriever is the one who pursues with loyalty, trying to please the black cat.

The black cat on the other hand, is more aloof and into themselves. Just like cats are, they are a separate creature who most of the time prefer to be left alone to their own devices. 

(Honestly, no well adjusted woman who is feminine at her core wants to be left alone most of the time. She prefers connection. She needs it to thrive. It’s called oxytocin.)

Plus, has anyone ever told you that men need to feel needed by a woman? Ie: they need to feel her vulnerability?

Now that we’ve established that a codependent relationship involves a severe imbalance of power, let me ask you a question:

If the man always has to chase, often to the detriment of himself (sacrificing his time and energy indefinitely), is that an imbalance of power?

If the woman supposedly should never chase, doesn’t that mean the woman is trying to enter a relationship where the man loves her more and she loves him?

I’ve written about that before. CLICK to read: Is It Wise to Pick A Man Who Loves You More Than You Love Him?

And if it’s true that the woman must be in a relationship where the man loves her more than she loves him, how would she ever form a pair bond?

She won’t; she’s simply not being vulnerable enough to do so.

Also: why would a woman be pursuing such an unfulfilling, toxic dynamic?

1. Because she needs control.
2. Because she’s deeply afraid of abandonment, uncertainty and a loss of power.
3. Because she’s had terrible experiences with men in the past (read: she’s been bad at relationships in the past and gotten herself into toxic relationships), thus now she has this desire to overcorrect her behaviors in new relationships.
4. Because she wants the man to assume all the risk in the relationship.

Did we not just talk about: codependency?

Yeah, that’s exactly the type of power imbalance and toxicity that the black cat golden retriever concept is encouraging, knowingly or unknowingly.

Black Cat Energy Is A Power Grab, An Attempt to Seek Control

…All at the expense of the intimacy and trust in a relationship. 

I am not saying love is not a game. Love definitely is a game. It’s nature’s only game.

But you need to play it in value-adding ways, not value-extracting ways just to have a power trip.

Playing inauthentic games is toxic and a man can never fully trust you.

If he cannot ever trust you, do you think he’d ever – ever fall in love with you?

If he cannot trust you – do you think you could ever trust him and rely on him?

Can a masculine man ever truly love you if you don’t add value to him? 

What Do Male Cats Do To Female Cats In Real Life?

Here’s an interesting factor to consider: what do male cats do to female cats?

They leave them. 

Have a think about that for a minute. 

The male cats are usually nomadic and after mating with a female, will (at best) stick around for a few days, and then disappear completely. 

The mother cat is left to fend for herself and raise the kittens alone.

What does this tell you? 

Have a think about it. 

What does it tell you about black cat energy, or the energy and nature of female cats in general?

And here’s my next question:

Do you believe that a black cat’s energy (namely, independence and aloofness), is the thing that will inspire a human man to:

• Emotionally connect with her
• Emotionally commit to her
• Take care of her
• And have empathy for her?

And based on your answer, do you think embodying black cat energy will be enough to make your man stick around?

Will it be enough to make him stick around and invest in you emotionally? 

MORE: Why Does He Keep Me Around If He Doesn’t Want A Relationship?

Do you want your man to stick around because he’s been emasculated by your need for control?

Or do you want your man to stick around because he’s in love with you?

You’re free to choose, but know that there are consequences that only you will bear. 

Remember that all the women out there who are in relationships and marriages where there’s mutual emotional attraction. These women will sense the inauthenticity of your relationship in a heartbeat.

They’ll be looking at your relationship as though it’s a warning, not an example. 

(And just between you and I, they’ll be laughing at how weak your golden retriever husband is. Everybody will.)

So is that what you want for the man you claim to need in your life?

Related: How To Get Him To Propose And Marry You Without Looking Low Value.

You Need A Pair Bond With A Man, Not Black Cat Energy

What men need in order to emotionally commit to you is emotional attraction and emotional connection.

When you have these two things firmly in place, what you will build with a man is a pair bond.

Pair bonding and romantic love are highly related, and black cat energy is antithetical to pair bonding.

If you take on this strategy in dating, do it at your own risk, and know that you’re self sabotaging your own chances at attracting romantic love into your life. 

Having a golden retriever constantly chase you is not only extremely physically taxing on the dog’s (ahem I mean man’s) energy, it is controlling, abusive and ignorant.

Here’s the biggest reason why I oppose black cat energy:

It walks down the opposite path on which our ancestors walked in order to evolve the mechanism called pair bonding.

Instead of fostering mutual romantic love, it creates a one-sided relationship. 

(Nature already gave us the mechanism that bridges the gap between women’s reproductive agenda and men’s reproductive agenda, and that’s called pair bonding.)

Researchers generally agree that romantic love and pair bonding in humans evolved after maternal care, and that’s why the same brain chemicals that a mother feels in taking care of her baby (oxytocin, dopamine) are mirrored in romantic love and subsequent pair bonding.

Our female ancestors evolved the capacity to inspire men to feel romantic love in order to gain a man’s resources so that they’d have a feeling of security and connection, plus help in raising their young.

It is imperative for a woman raising her young to have a man who sticks around and invests in the woman. 

In order for a man to invest in the woman and the offspring, he needs to go through the emotional process of romantic love, and form a bond with you.

There are many hypotheses on why pair bonding evolved for humans specifically. Two of them are:

1. Human pair bonding evolved to support the large investment needed to rear offspring, or 
2. Human pair bonding evolved because it was too costly for males to have multiple mates.

If you take a look at these two main hypotheses, you will see that they both support vulnerable, childbearing and childrearing women.

But why is this relevant to you?

Perhaps it’s because women are naturally vulnerable and out of control?

And the fact that you cannot change how vulnerable you are is the exact reason why any man is emotionally motivated to fall in love with you?

Maybe it’s the fact that you need the help of a capable man, and that man’s help takes you and your children to heights that are not possible if you were to do everything alone.

We have a menstrual cycle that our bodies and brains are constantly at the whim of, whether we like it or not.

And that cycle is for one thing: reproduction. Which is emotionally and energetically costly for a woman, for a long time.

This makes women vulnerable in the emotions she feels and in the constant sensitivity she has to the environment around her.

This vulnerability and sensitivity cannot be fully captured if you restrict yourself to “black cat energy”:

The thing is, most women don’t express this vulnerability very well. 

Their vulnerability comes out in low value ways and this is one reason why they keep losing men – or end up in deeply unfulfilling relationships where the woman has the man’s balls in a jar (exactly what black cat golden retriever theories are teaching you to do). 

And one of those ways in which women don’t express their natural vulnerability very well is through black cat energy.

Instead of celebrating their own vulnerability and being totally real about it, they’re directly avoiding it. 

Talk about self-sabotaging.

Would you like to learn the ONE specific emotional trigger within every man that inspires him to commit emotionally to ONE woman for life?

CLICK HERE to LEARN the One Specific Emotional Trigger Within Every Masculine Man That Inspires Him to Want to Take Care of You, Worship You and Deeply Commit to You.

Do the quiz: Which of these 8 feminine archetypes am i?

Black Cat Golden Retriever Relationship Makes A Man Weak

Proponents of the black cat theory suggest that men are happiest in a relationship when they are the golden retriever, because it allows them to be rested in their natural masculine energy.

This natural masculine energy is said to be very much like the “golden retriever” because it is “moving forward energy”, an “achieving energy” (of which the feminine is not.) 

It is said that if your man is the golden retriever, then he is constantly moving forward towards you and chasing you.

If instead a woman is the golden retriever, then we are closing that gap and killing the chase.

I’m sorry to break it to you. But it was never about the chase. It was about emotional attraction and emotional connection. 

And you both need to feel it in order to be a truly resourceful couple.

By the way, black cat energy is not feminine, and it’s not what represents true feminine energy. 

What feminine energy is is this:

It’s whatever shows up within you when you no longer feel like you’re not enough.

It’s the energy of flow and change. It’s something you embody that’s unique to you.

Would you like to discover how naturally feminine you are at your core? You can find out with my quiz. I’ve embedded it below:

Do our feminine energy quiz: how feminine am i really?

We All Chase What Is Value To Us

Here’s an uncomfortable truth which everyone is ignoring:

Women chase men too. In fact, everyone – male, female, frog or unicorn – we all chase value.

Feminine women chase high status, masculine men all the time. 

In fact women go out in groups just to chase footballers and athletes all the time.

They may lie when asked about it later on after they’ve secured the high value mate. They might say “Oh I didn’t even know who he was!!”

But boy did they ever know who he was, because they were there, putting themselves in the path of this high value man.

Why?

Because they perceived value in him (and potentially his buddies, too.)

So the point is, women say that men love the chase, but the reality is that women love the chase too.

We all love to chase what is value to us, because it has value, and we perceive it will change our lives.

Black Cat Energy Will Not Change A Low Value Woman

This leads me to the one main point of this article:

If a woman is low value to men, no amount of black cat energy would make her high value.

By the way, There Are 7 Common Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to All Men. Do You Know What They Are & How to Avoid Them Like the Plague?

CLICK here to discover the 7 common signs that a woman is perceived as low value in the eyes of men in this special report. 

Back to my point:

Just like when I debunked the concept of leaning back and rotational dating, I’ll suggest that making yourself scarce, or “leaning back” and receiving, is not going to make you intrinsically valuable to a man.

Recommended: Pickmeisha Vs High Value Woman: 3 Signs You’re A Pickme Girl.

Imagine a low value man chasing you right now.

Imagine the ugliest, smelliest, most broke man you could possibly imagine, chasing you.

Do you enjoy this chase?

If you were to ask me, the last thing I enjoy is being chased. 

Because being chased means that this guy wants value from me. 

It’s about him, not me.

What I truly want is a man who is attuned to me. And that I did manage to get.

As I’ve said multiple times before: if you want a good life, look for a man who can provide. If you want an infinite life, look for a man who is attuned to you. 

Chasing Is Unsustainable In A Long Term Relationship

To force a man to chase you is inauthentic and begets more power struggles. 

And power struggles lead to eventual disconnects, lack of intimacy and trust.

Here’s an uncomfortable truth:

Chasing a woman for the long term is damn hard. 

It is unsustainable over the course of a 2 year, 10 year, or 20, 30 or 50 year relationship.

If you are going to freak out every time a man stops being romantic or chasing you – then you are doing nothing but hyper-focusing on yourself and your own fears.

Thus at some point you have to grow up and think of the man in the relationship. 

It’s not just about you and you being chased.

It’s not about you constantly being in control and being in a position of power, because power should never be one-sided in a relationship.

In fact, the only power you should be focused on is your ability to emotionally connect and emotionally attract a man.

What that requires is a sense of playfulness, not control. 

Here’s the bottom line:

Ideally, a man wouldn’t just be the one chasing you forever – you’d chase each other forever.

Why?

Because romantic love, that’s why. 

Romantic love is meant to be reciprocal, that’s why unrequited love is so incredibly painful.

But when it’s reciprocal, both the man and the woman are over the moon. They are crazy for each other and are emotionally attuned to each other.

They create a bubble that keeps everyone else out.

Look:

The real world is tough. It will eat you up and swallow you whole if you are not careful, and being the black cat won’t fix that truth.

I understand that dating is inherently risky. Or at least it feels that way to you.

And yet, the only thing that truly minimizes those risks is your ability to create that emotional attraction.

It’s the only thing that truly does the job in this crazy, risky and sometimes scary world.

If you want to get better at creating emotional attraction, learn to throw attraction pebbles. 

Attraction pebbles is a program created by my husband to help women to build that sense of emotional attraction authentically and gradually, which is the only real way to create romantic love. (It is a process that cannot be short-cut.)

Would you like to Learn the ONE thing you can say to ANY man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say? CLICK HERE.

The Golden Retriever: Only One Person Is Loyal

If only one of you can be the black cat and only one of you can be the golden retriever, then what happens to the golden retriever over time?

It loses its spark. It loses its sense of self. It’s all about the person it is serving, and never about himself or herself. 

In fact, a man will lose his masculinity and become utterly boring to a woman.

Is this what you want?

Do you really want to strip a man of his masculinity, to be the laughing stock of all other higher status men, because he’s constantly chasing you?

Women need a man who can walk away from them to honor himself.

Women need a man to not tolerate her being a control freak.

Women NEED a man to be interesting and to have his own boundaries. 

Additionally, we need a man to have his own direction and vision in order to feel attraction for him.

Otherwise, you don’t have a man.

You have a pet.

Lead With Value And You Will Find Out A LOT More About HIM

May I make my humble suggestion?

Don’t seek the unconditional loyalty of the golden retriever, instead lead with value first, and you will find out exactly how loyal a man is willing to be to you.

Anything you demand in a relationship, you should be able to at least try to offer yourself, too. 

And no matter how risky that sounds, remember: just because you want the man to bear all the risks of dating, doesn’t mean it relieves you of all risk.

What it does is instead it creates a lifelong, toxic dynamic that you’ll eventually have to grieve, heal and undo within yourself. 

So how do you lead with value?

Offer something that costs you close to nothing, but adds a lot of value to your interactions with a man: playful banter. 

It can be as simple as playful banter that adds to the emotional attraction between you both, instead of you leading with what you wish to extract from him.

See if he’s willing to reciprocate your playfulness and desire to connect.

High value banter lines allow you to initiate in a high value way and see how far he’s willing to come (how much he’s willing to actually connect with you instead of just taking easy sex from you.)

CLICK Here to take our free high value banter class.  

Create A Win-Win Relationship

So here’s my solution.

Create win-win dynamics in your love life. 

Don’t set out to extract value from men and force them to chase you (whilst you sit there, entitled, thinking it’s feminine to receive. It’s not.)

Instead, create emotional attraction and emotional connection. Those are the only two factors you need to focus on with men.

One way to do this easily is through playful banter.

If you put your energy there, you’ll have double the number of emotionally mature, high value, interesting men asking you out.

All the while, you’ll be weeding out the low value men who aren’t worth your time (because toxic men and men who don’t care about connecting with you will not bother bantering back to connect with you.) 

Then you don’t have to come from a place of hurt and frustration (based on past toxic experiences) and swing the pendulum to using crazy techniques like “black cat energy”. 

No, that’s not what you need.

What you need is a man who is attuned to you. 

Over To You…

Do you like the black cat golden retriever theory? Have you used it?

What are your experiences and thoughts on this theory?

P.S. CLICK HERE to check out my full article archives! Or you may greatly benefit from one of our highly popular paid programs, CLICK HERE to see what we offer right now.

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