Dear Sybersue,

Thanks for posting your informative videos. I am a subscriber to your YouTube channel. This video “Don’t Allow Yourself to be Benched”caught my eye. Sadly, I do allow myself to be put on hold by men I am dating or in a relationship with! I acknowledge that I am too lenient with men. Whether I am waiting at home for their last-minute calls or late-night visits, I am always available for them. I allow this bad behaviour and continue to give them the benefit of the doubt.

How do I raise my self-worth and confidence? I am responsible for letting myself sit on the back burner. It’s really frustrating that I keep settling for less than I deserve. I acknowledge the manipulation I get from these men, but I am not making any changes. Whether it’s being constantly strung along or encountering other repetitive issues, I still buy into their excuses and their rationales.

I don’t understand why it is so challenging for me to walk away from these negative situations. Why don’t I have more respect for myself?

Thank you, Cheryl

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio

Hi Cheryl,

You admitted that you allow yourself to “sit on the back burner.” You are also aware that you are not the priority with the men you are allowing in your life. This acknowledgment is half the way there to changing this recurring problem. You are taking responsibility and understand that this is a repetitive issue that needs to be resolved.

Some people are in denial that they are not a priority within their relationship. The fact that you are taking ownership means you want to find a solution. Understanding the part you play in these relationships is imperative to finding the love you deserve. When you respect yourself first, you will clearly see when someone does not have your best interest at heart.

Unfortunately, there are some controlling people out there who look for vulnerability in a partner. You think you are compromising to keep the peace and avoid conflict, but it is a one-sided partnership. The problem here is that you are consistently silencing your own needs and getting little back in return. Healthy relationships are about having a reciprocated love. You are the one doing all the giving here, Cheryl, and that has to change.

Self-esteem problems from your past often contribute to these relationship issues.

The first change you need to make is to get to the root of the problem. This will help you understand why you are shortchanging your needs in relationships. This is an ongoing problem that is worsening, which means it is time to talk to a therapist or counsellor. It is important for you to comprehend why this has become a negative pattern in all of your partnerships.

I am sure you are feeling stuck and don’t know how you got here. Quite often, it is due to some form of past abandonment or an early rejection that hurt you deeply. This can shape your mindset and behaviour for many years. Negative internal dialogue can be debilitating and keep you trapped in an unhealthy place. You have to change your mindset to change the direction of your life.

Here are a few things you can do to start the process:

1. Ask for help. Counselling is necessary and very important when your confidence and self-worth are depleted.
2. Put yourself in the company of strong women. This will help you to understand how to respect your boundaries by watching their actions. Don’t be afraid to ask them for advice.
3. Many support groups are available to help people deal with low self-esteem and relationship issues. (Google options in your city.) These are great platforms because they help give you clarity without feeling judged. You will see that you are not alone and understand that other people are dealing with similar situations.
4. Free meetup groups in your city offer events and get-togethers for men and women. This is a great choice for you to get out and mingle with new people. The more socializing you do, the more your confidence will build.
5. Search YouTube for more videos on your situation. The more information you receive, it will help you gain awareness on how to move forward in your life.
6. Find a purpose in your life that keeps you busy. It could be a DIY project at home or setting up a fitness goal. When you are productive and have regular challenges to deal with, you build up your self-esteem. This will prevent you from giving energy to the wrong people because you are focused on other things. You will understand the value of prioritizing your needs and not getting lost in continually appeasing your partner.
7. Take at least 6–12 months away from dating while you are implementing these changes. You will have more clarity and new boundaries when you decide to venture back out there again.

It is never too late to learn something new about yourself. We are all a growth in progress every year of our lives. Everyone goes through periods of questionable behaviour, and that is a part of evolving as a human being. Please let me know how things go. Wishing you much happiness in the future.

Wishing you much happiness & great love always.

Thank you for writing.

*Please watch the video below for more information on Cheryl’s question:

Thank you for visiting, Sybersue xo ❤

Private Dating Relationship Coaching With Sybersue—Please don’t hesitate to contact me at [email protected] and message me there to set up a video or audio appointment within 24 hours. Thank you!

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