Part 3

Understanding Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES)

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            For most of my early adult life if you’d asked me about my early life experiences following my father’s hospitalization or the year I dutifully went with my uncle to visit my father, I would have said I didn’t remember much or made a vague reference to those early years. Even when I remembered some of the events that were painful at the time, I dismissed their significance and impact on my life.

            That’s just how things are, I thought to myself. No big deal. Stuff happens. Get over it. Forget about it. Don’t complain. Grow up. Be a man.

Most of us block out painful and traumatic memories from our childhood. We don’t want to remember times when we felt vulnerable and confused. We want to feel strong and in control of our lives. However, these old wounds don’t go away. They often come back to us in the form of bad dreams or childhood illnesses. I had a recurring dream from the time I was six years old (the age when I stopped visiting my father in the mental hospital) until I was nine or ten years old:

            I’m in my bed at night and something wakes me up. I get out of my bed and walk into the kitchen. There is no one there. I continue walking through the house afraid of what I might find but compelled to keep looking. Suddenly a dark figure lurches out of the darkness with a knife in hand. I begin running back to my bed. I know if I can get back before he catches me, I will be safe. But I don’t make it in time and I am stabbed in the back.

            The dream would recur without warning, every three or four nights. I always ran for my life, but never make it back before I am stabbed. I became afraid to go to sleep at night and would spend hours trying to create a safe place among my covers where I would be safe. I would try and stay awake as long as I could, but eventually I would fall asleep and the life-like dream would capture me again and again.

            I eventually told my mother about the dreams. She listened but dismissed the dreams as simply unwarranted fears of childhood, like being afraid there were monsters hiding under my bed. She tried to reassure me by telling me there was nothing to worry about. I didn’t stop worrying. I just stopped talking about my feelings. During that same period I developed asthma, a chronic lung disease that causes inflammation in the airways, making it difficult to breathe.  

            It was only later in life that I learned about the ACE studies and how Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES) impact our lives. The ACE studies began as a collaboration between the CDC and Kaiser hospital in 1998 and more than ninety research papers have been published since then.

The ACE studies found that adverse childhood experiences—including such common events as growing up in a family where parents were divorced, had alcohol or drug problems, or suffering from mental illness—harm children’s developing brains. The studies found that disrupted brain function leads to changes in how we respond to stress and damages our immune systems so profoundly that the effects show up decades later.

I learned that ACEs cause much of our burden of chronic disease, most mental illness, addictions, and are at the root of most violence. The original research listed ten possible adverse childhood experiences or ACEs. I had four. Having four aces is good if you are playing poker, but not so good for our health and wellbeing.

Even though there has been greater understanding of the impact of ACEs on our lives, many doctors and even mental health experts are not fully aware of the connection between adult problems and childhood trauma. In my article, “7 Surprising Reasons You Should See a Trauma Informed Counselor,” I said,

“Most people in the U.S. have at least one ACE, and people with four ACEs have a significant risk of developing health and relationship problems as adults. These include heart disease, cancer, diabetes, lung problems, depression, divorce, suicide, addictions, and relationship problems.  I’ve had chronic lung problems, bouts of depression, divorced twice, was suicidal at a number of stages of my life, and had numerous addictions.”

I went on to say,

“When I reached out for help, most health practitioners saw me through the lens of the mainstream medical model and tried to figure out what was wrong with me, what diagnosis I should have, and what kind of medications I should take. I did receive some help over the years with this approach, but the benefits were limited.”

Life Lesson #5: Rather than asking “what’s wrong with us?” a more helpful question is “what happened to us?”

In their book, What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing, child psychiatrist and neuroscientist, Bruce C. Perry, M.D., PhD and Oprah Winfrey say,

“Healing must begin with a shift to asking ‘What happened to you?’ rather than ‘What’s wrong with you?’ Many of us experience adversity that has a lasting impact on our physical and emotional health. What happens to us in childhood is a powerful predictor of our risk for health problems down the road.”

In my article, “The Myth of Mental Illness and the Truth About Mental Health:  A Man’s Journey to Freedom,” I describe my describe my own healing journey, the original ACE questions, and an expanded understanding of trauma and healing.

What adverse childhood experiences did you experience in your life?  What adult problems have you experienced with your own physical, mental, emotional, and relational life as a result of those early experiences?

Life Lesson #6: Understanding what happened to us is the first step in healing. The second step is understanding the limiting beliefs about ourselves and our world.

My life changed dramatically when I stopped trying to deny and escape from the reality of my childhood wounding and how it impacted my mental, emotional, and relational life. It changed even more dramatically when I realized the beliefs I had about myself and my world because of my early trauma.

In their book, Code to Joy: The Four-Step Solution to Unlocking Your Natural State of Happiness, George Pratt, PhD, Peter Lambrou, PhD with John David Mann, say,

“Beliefs are stronger than feeling and  deeper than thoughts. Beliefs are patterns of thought so ingrained in our neural networks they have become automatic, like entrenched habits of thinking. They are the bedrock of our psychological architecture.”

Drs. Pratt and Lambrou have found seven common self-limiting beliefs that are connected to our early traumatic experiences:

1. I am not safe.
2. I am worthless.
3. I am powerless.
4. I am unlovable.
5. I cannot trust anyone.
6. I am bad.
7. I am alone.

I realized that a number of these beliefs became embedded into my body, mind, and soul and were like automatic programs operating outside my awareness yet colored all my relationships. Deep down I believed, I am not safe. Something could happen to me at any time. The world is a dangerous place. I cannot trust anyone. I never know when someone I love is going to leave me. If I do the wrong thing, they might die or be taken away. Ultimately, I am all alone. There’s no one I can rely on but myself. Its better to stay guarded and closed than to risk loving someone who will leave me.

Fortunately, as I have learned over the years, all these beliefs can be reversed. We can learn that we are safe and secure, worthy and valuable and have the power to be the loveable selves  ourselves we all are deep inside. We can trust others because they are good and we are good. And we’re never alone but connected in a web of wellbeing now and forever.

If you would like to read more in this series and other articles about improving your mental, emotional, and relational health, I invite you to subscribe to my free weekly newsletter.