There are just some things you should never tolerate in a relationship. No matter what.

However, the question is how do you know exactly what not to tolerate in a relationship with a man? After all, human relationships are not simple, they can be complicated!

Here’s what I mean:

Whilst some things might initially look like “unacceptable boyfriend behaviour”, and come under the category of relationship red flags, they also may not be unacceptable behaviour.

In other words, two guys could present with the same behavior, yet have totally different intent behind that behavior.

(And the more trauma you’ve been through, the harder it is for you to figure out his real intent, due to being anxious and shut down or in a fight or flight response. But that’s a conversation for another article. In the meantime, you can read about how to test a guy to see if he cares in this article.)

Remember this:

It is not just the behaviour of a guy that should always raise alarm bells. Rather it’s his intent behind the behaviour. And we will cover that, plus examples of unacceptable behavior of a man in this article.

Also important to note is the fact that you are dealing with a man (who in many ways can seem like a different species to you as a woman), and it can get confusing at times.

There are 7 common signs a woman is perceived as low value to all men, because men simply perceive value differently to women. Do you know what these signs are and how to avoid them like the plague? CLICK HERE to download this special report.

 

Are cheating & abuse always deal breakers?

Cheating and abuse are the first things people think of when they consider what they should never tolerate in a relationship.

This article is not going to be about cheating or abuse.

Why?

Because firstly, whilst of course abuse should not be tolerated; abuse is actually a wide topic – it goes far beyond just physical abuse.

Sometimes, the behaviours that seem the most innocent on the surface can actually be deeply abusive. Consider as an example, these 10 seemingly harmless signs of a toxic relationship.

Examples of seemingly harmless behaviours you shouldn’t tolerate

Also consider for example this. Acting like your partner is not causing you any hurt or anger (not being responsive) when you consciously know you’re withholding yourself (as well as withholding the truth).

That is seemingly harmless, but I would seriously caution someone against behaving like this. In fact, I’d consider this to be one of the things you shouldn’t tolerate in a relationship.

Another example. Staying together with a partner you don’t care about and are not loyal to for the sake of enjoying a mutually comfortable lifestyle.

That seems innocent enough. Perhaps you’d suggest that the only crime they’re committing is the crime of comfort.

That’s just not true. This kind of behaviour could be considered abuse, since you’re living a lie. You’re arguably using the other person, and essentially dehumanising them for the sake of fulfilling your hopes of a certain lifestyle.

Furthermore, getting into a codependent relationship so that you can milk the other person for your own perceived benefits is potentially unacceptable behaviour.

These are all potentially abusive behaviours and it’s a lot to discuss and go through.

So, I reserve the topic of abuse and conversation for another time, where I can thoroughly explore the issues surrounding abuse.

Secondly, cheating is one thing that is too obvious. I don’t want this article to be about the obvious, surface stuff.

(There’s enough of that around everywhere you look.)

Sure, you should not sit there and ‘take’ it up the bumholio when you’re being cheated on.

However, it is not true that cheating should always be a deal breaker, because people usually say that with residue from past trauma.

And as someone who has been cheated on by an ex and has been through that pain, I will say that whether we put cheating on a list of behaviors to never tolerate in a man depends on why he cheated, and what kind of person the cheater actually is.

(For example, are they a narcissist? Narcissists may be the least likely to change. Whereas, a totally good man could cheat or be considered to be cheating (in your definition of cheating) because he is not yet emotionally bonded to a woman.)

Do the quiz: how commitment friendly is my man?

Context is more important than you think

Context means a lot.

It is just that sometimes when we are fearful, scared and reactive, we assume certain behaviours should never, ever be tolerated, as we don’t want to compromise our own dignity.

That’s fair, and as someone who has been cheated on before, I know the pain too.

But I ask that you see beyond the surface here. After all, human relationships are nuanced and contextual.

Although it is rare, a cheater can change. I don’t think it is the absolute rule that “once a cheater always a cheater”. But I do think many cheaters probably remain cheaters for a long time.

I believe that there are exceptions. So whilst from one perspective, I believe you should never tolerate cheating – it’s not that black and white.

Every situation is different, and whether cheating should be tolerated or worked through and understood by both parties or not, depends on what happened.

It also depends on the real, unadulterated reasons why the cheater cheated in the first place.

The reasons people might cheat…

Sometimes people cheat because they perceive that they cannot experience dark and light energy with their partner.

Sometimes they cheat because they cannot experience the full range of sexual variety with that partner, because their relationship is boring or restrictive.

I’m not saying that cheating is right, or that it’s a good solution. I’m just saying, people don’t always cheat because it’s an unworkable part of their personality.

In fact, if someone cheated because their relationship has been restrictive for far too long, that is potentially an example where a cheater could change.

When their needs are met and when they get what they perceive as highly valuable in a relationship, they may never see any reason to cheat.

And of course, if they are willing to also take responsibility for their behaviour, they can change!

These types of cheaters are unlikely to change

Some people cheat because they can, or because they’re not very emotionally connected people (they treat any relationship as a place they go to take).

Some cheat because they are unafraid of the consequences of cheating, or because they’re addicted to the experience.

Those cheaters may never change without intense, permanent alterations to their environment, and peer group.

CLICK HERE to discover the ONE PHRASE you can say to ANY man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say! (Works like magic in a high vale non-needy way!)

Staying faithful is not always a sign of a GREAT husband

Of course, sometimes not cheating can be just as bad – in terms of severity of the hurt caused. NOT in terms of common morals to be upheld.

See, one may not cheat on their partner. Yet for the sake of their own outdated rules, they may stay faithful on the surface to their partner.

All the while, ignoring real relationship issues and building up resentment – which is a horrible thing to do to a significant other.

So in action they have not cheated, so they’ve technically spared their significant other from humiliation. But if they’re seething inside for years, they’re always going to be exposing their partner to resentment and even hatred.

Both are just damaging in severity. But whether it’s the humiliation of being cheated on that’s more severe, or the pain of tolerating a resentful, contemptuous partner is more severe remains up to the individual.

(What Is The One Specific Emotional Trigger Within Every Single Man in this World That Inspires Him to WANT to Commit to One Woman, Want to Take Care of Her, Worship Her and Only Her? Click here to find out right now…)

Now we’re ready to start on the 6 behaviours you should never tolerate in a man.

Here you will learn the real signs of unacceptable behaviour from your husband or boyfriend.

Here are the 6 behaviours you should never tolerate in a man…

#1: A man who doesn’t value connection in a relationship

Why do you have a relationship?

To avoid loneliness?

To get citizenship?

To get rich?

To get a steady stream of sex?

To have children?

Hopefully not. But it does happen, and that’s not wrong. It’s just not ideal for building emotional attraction and emotional connection.

Why do we have a relationship again?

Hopefully, to connect!

I know this is not always the case. In fact, many people have “relationships” to take, take, and strip what they can from the other person.

That’s not a relationship though. That is, I don’t know…what would you call it?

Abuse.

Go to a man who wants to connect. Not a man who breadcrumbs you or just keeps you around at his convenience.

What is an indicator that he values connection with you?

Now, I want to be clear: I don’t mean to say: go to a man who is willing to call you more often.

How often a man calls you a lot is not a reliable indicator of whether he values connection or not.

His choices in his own life, his emotional investment in you, and whether his actions show that he is serious about you versus just being “interested” are a much better indicator.

Together with how connected it makes you feel to be with him.

This is a hard one. Because, sometimes, if one doesn’t value connection themselves (ie: if you have abandonment issues and therefore tend to avoid intimacy), you may not be a good judge of whether a man values connection or not!

You may not ever notice whether a man you are dating values connection or not. Because you are not connected yourself!

Here’s how to figure out if a man truly values connection

So what do we need to do?

We need to zoom out and look at this person objectively.

Ask yourself: does what this man does day to day, reflect a man who truly likes me and values connection with me?

Or does it more so reflect the actions of somebody who is looking for approval, validation, or novelty?

Does this man’s actions, choices and decisions, reflect a desire to value the relationship with ME, and value what we have together?

Or do his actions reflect that his first valued thing is work, or sexual variety, or comfort, or being right?

Consider whether he is just keeping you around for the sake of having you around, and doesn’t actually want an emotionally committed relationship with you. Here are 6 burning signs he doesn’t want a relationship with you!

Remember, zoom out.

Hover above him in an aeroplane and consider objectively – without any emotions attached – what does this man value?

Does he value connection?

Does he know in his soul, the importance and the irreplaceable connection with one important person, like me?

Or even other individual family members or close friends?

CLICK HERE to LEARN the one specific emotional trigger within every masculine man that inspires him to want to take care of you, worship you and deeply commit to you.

#2: He lets you get away with being a user, or a bitch

Tolerating a man being horrible to you, is no more horrible than him tolerating you being horrible to him.

Why?

Because we all deserve (and need) feedback and responses from other humans in order to function healthily.

A woman not regulated by a smart, evolved masculine man is potentially dangerous to the people closest to her.

In the worse case scenario, she could even be a danger to society and a danger to herself.

Very much the same as a man not receiving feedback from a woman can be dangerous to society!

We are meant to regulate each other’s behaviours! If our behaviour is not regulated, we may proceed to hurt lots of other people, without consequences because, well, nobody cares to give those consequences!

We’re not talking about punishment here.

I’m not saying that a man should punish you for being horrible, or for being a user. I’m saying that you are a human and you deserve to be taught how to treat others right. We all do.

The difference between him criticising you & him giving authentic feedback

DISCLAIMER: Please differentiate between a man criticising your behaviour and a man giving you moment-to-moment feedback!

Please also understand that there’s a huge difference between critical remarks and simply just having good moral boundaries with you (which is a positive thing for him to have).

I don’t want you to think that him giving you criticism, in order to feel superior to you, means he is doing you any good.

He may not be. The key in this is that he has to have good intent – he has to have the intent to want to see you do better.

This is one of the basic signs of a healthy relationship. That a man wants to see you do better, and wants better for your relationship together!

You need that. I need that. Everybody else needs that.

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A lack of feedback in a relationship leads us to ultimate loneliness

If we are given feedback from those we love, it is a gift. As long as it’s not vile, bad-intentioned hate or criticism, it actually shows us who we truly are and how we are showing up.

It regulates us and teaches us how to love and how to relate. If not, then we can spend the rest of our lives living a terrible quality of life.

How so? Well, without regulation, we may become unaware of our own behaviour and how we’re treating others.

You would never want to become so unaware that nobody wants to interact or be close to you, would you?

And if it got that bad, it would be because other people haven’t been responsive or responsible enough to help teach us what is the acceptable way to treat others.

CLICK HERE to discover the ONE PHRASE you can say to ANY man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say! (Works like magic in a high vale non-needy way!)

Don’t ever tolerate a man who chronically seeks this from YOU

A man who is a chronic approval seeker is often not in the right place to be in a healthy relationship with you.

A bit of approval seeking is normal and ok. When we get close to others, we’re bound to seek their approval at some point.

However, if our main pattern is seeking approval (because we don’t know any other way to connect), it will grow to be a huge weight upon the shoulders of your relationship!

A man who always desires your approval will compromise himself as a man. What a sad and small way to live. Don’t tolerate it.

He may seem wonderful on the surface, because he values your approval.

Be that as it may, if he values your approval more than he values your integrity and the health of your relationship together, that will come at an enormous cost to you!

A man who values his safety and his bubble will perhaps never demand anything more from you, but instead will just try to please you.

And do you really want that in your life?

I know this may seem like a strange thing to add to a list of things you should never tolerate in a relationship. But I believe it is something you should never tolerate. Why? Because it will lead you to a mediocre quality of life!

Always remember this:

If a man wants to stay small or keep you small, then he won’t mind you treating him badly.

And he won’t make you stop treating others badly, either.

Choose a man who won’t allow you to do anything stupid because he wants more for you in this life. He demands more from you.

To hell with his comfort! Who cares about that? Humans are made to grow in spirit.

You and your man should care about each other’s morals. You should both also have standards for the way you treat yourself and others.

#3: Bad hygiene

If you’ve given someone feedback about their hygiene, and they consistently refuse to do anything to change it, you have to wonder “why”?

Are they unable to receive the feedback because they “shouldn’t have to” change for you, or because they just don’t care? If so, then you have a problem.

The person who won’t change their habits that lead to dirty private parts, or an extremely stinky body, may not care about other important things that affect you either.

Obviously, someone who is too good to do anything about their lack of hygiene, could potentially make you ill.

And that is not something you want to tolerate or live with.

Illness and bacteria are everywhere, they are a part of us.

But illness and disease tend to manifest and debilitate us more when and if hygiene or living conditions are terrible.

#4: He takes no responsibility for his decisions & actions.

…In other words, When something inconvenient happens, it is always someone else’s fault (this also may be a sign of gaslighting in the relationship!)

Controlling men are likely to always be blame shifting or avoiding accountability in relationships. It’s literally their perfect weapon, because if they avoid responsibility, they never have to be revealed for their toxicity.

MORE: 17 Early Signs of A Controlling Man (He Wishes You Never Knew).

If someone blames others a lot, then they are either under a lot of overwhelming stress, are manipulative or they have not evolved beyond the very basic impulses humans have.

Alternatively, they just don’t care.

I don’t know about you but I’m over people who don’t care. (It’s like they don’t have even an ounce of desire to invest in real connection.)

But it can be easy to seek the approval of these people, because remember:

Rejection breeds obsession.

Thus many of us get caught in their web.

I used to want to try to be close to people who would blame me or avoid taking responsibility for their decisions.

Thankfully, I eventually realised that just because I care to connect with them, does not mean that they give two flying f*cks about connecting with me.

They may just want to take what they can from me.

Some people really do have long-standing habits of being defensive, cold or even uncaring. I wrote an article about this: 12 Secret Reasons Why Some People will Always be Distant From You.

This is what blaming looks like…

What does a blaming person sound like? They may sound a bit like this…

“Well, you should stop doing that! If you didn’t do that then I wouldn’t behave like this!”

Sound familiar?

Sure, I mean perhaps we could have behaved better.

But if a guy truly believes what he is saying when he says, “If you would not do that, then I wouldn’t need to hurt you/punish you/degrade you” – then see ya later!

Who needs that toxic, low value behaviour in their life?

We all have a responsibility to try to take responsibility for our actions.

If one is not even willing to entertain that idea, and they place all the blame on you, then they are not the right person for you, and you’re probably not in a healthy relationship.

Sometimes, people cannot handle the fact that they hurt you.

Sometimes, people cannot handle the truth if it means acknowledging that they played a large part in something bad that happened.

Do the quiz: What is my attachment style?

In some relationships, one party has more responsibility than the other

Yes, there are times where one party in the relationship has more responsibility than the other: like a parent-child relationship.

Calling the child a ‘problem child’ for example, is not good enough. The parent has a responsibility to love and influence their child, or deal with the consequences.

The child is just a child. You cannot place equal blame on them until they are at the right level of maturity or understanding.

Yet in an adult relationship, the lines of responsibility are more blurred.

I would not say that our responsibility in an adult relationship is equally 50/50. This is not a case of “Well I took responsibility last time for our argument that left scars on the both of our hearts, so it’s your responsibility this time”.

That’s not the ideal to aim for, unless you have very little trust in the relationship and are still in the stages of building a foundation of trust. Then a 50/50 equal playing ground is sort of ok as a rule to go by.

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This is the ideal to aim for in a healthy relationship…

Don’t cling to that 50/50 as an immovable rule, because the ultimate ideal to aim for is this:

Whoever comes to their senses first, takes responsibility.

Don’t wait, unless you guys have very little trust established in the relationship.

Whoever comes to their senses first, takes responsibility in the moment.

And if that person is always, consistently, you – you have to stop and think.

If he never does the same practice of taking responsibility, then don’t tolerate that behaviour from him!

For example. If you guys have an argument where you both hurled insults at each other, and you are consistently apologising after arguments like that, but he never even acknowledges that his words hurt you – then have a good, long hard think about that.

Do you want that long-term? To help you decide whether your current relationship is worth your time, I wrote an article about the 10 Ultimate Signs of a Healthy Relationship.

Why would I recommend that whoever comes to their senses first takes responsibility?

Because leadership.

Because freedom.

By being a leader, you have way more power in your relationships.

By being a courageous leader, you are able to observe much quicker over a period of time, whether this man is willing to step up to the plate or not.

You’ll be able to see much quicker, whether he is humble enough to be inspired by your loving actions of leadership or not.

(Some men will run and hide when exposed to someone who has confidence and takes responsibility)

And when you acted the part of a leader, you get to keep your pride and dignity and possibly, even your self-confidence.

#5: A man who shows no agreeableness

Agreeableness is when someone displays behaviours that can be described as kind, sympathetic, cooperative, warm and considerate.

Has he ever been kind?

Has he ever been warm?

I ask specifically if he has ever been warm because one can act kind or caring on the surface, but little warmth accompanies their actions.

Don’t kid yourself. Just because someone seems caring or considerate (perhaps if there’s not many people being caring or considerate in your life right now), any surface caring action can make that person seem like a saint.

Don’t kid yourself. Does this man display warmth? Has he ever displayed any warmth towards you, or animals or towards anyone else?

Do you feel like he cares for you, or for any other person related to him?

Has he ever proven to be sympathetic or considerate of your situation? Or your feelings?

A man who shows no agreeableness is more likely to be…

A man who scores low in agreeableness is more likely to have a personality that falls in what is known as the dark triad. The dark triad encompasses narcissists, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy.

Men whose personality falls within the dark triad are also more likely to be stalker or to stalk you (in case you were wondering).

Now:

Most of us are able to actively switch from being cold or nonchalant to being warm, loving and compassionate towards someone that we do love.

I think the key is to look at how warm the man can be towards not just you, but towards his mother, his father, his pets, his children (if he has children), and his competitors.

Sometimes a cold person can be rehabilitated with new long-term love. With a compassionate person in their life, and with new experiences and stimuli to change how their brain is wired, it can be possible.

I am no scientist. That’s just what I believe is possible, with the right environment and people around them.

But the real question is: do you want to be the one to rehabilitate him?

#6: He has no real passions, or masculine missions

Repetitive patterns of anger is not necessarily a sign of passion.

Resentment is also not a passion.

Try to appreciate the difference between anger and a real passion.

Yes, anger can be a sign of passion, but not if the anger is done just to give himself an easy but fake feeling of superiority.

Anger IS passion when it comes from a belief in practising basic morals.

Anger IS passion when it is expressed to show that you are hurting him.

Anger IS passion if it is demanding truth.

Anger IS passion when it is connected to his passion or mission.

Anger IS passion if you’re angry because you truly want better for the other person or your family.

Always look and see if a man has a track record of losing his temper regularly.

If he loses his temper regularly as a way of avoiding the truth, as a way of not letting you get through to him, or as a way of manipulating you, I’d stop and think.

Because, those are some things you should really ask yourself if you should tolerate in your relationship!

Related: How to Stop Caring About A Guy (& Everything & Everyone): 10 Genius Ways.

Men who use anger as a way to cope

Sometimes men have anger as a way of coping.

Let’s talk briefly about anger as a way of coping.

Sometimes a man uses anger because he has no other decent way to cope with life!

And you probably shouldn’t just leave him without further thought, because that may not be his fault.

You really need to take the time to consider carefully, whether your efforts to calm him when he is angry would help long term or not.

Being kind by reassuring him when he is angry, being loving when he is angry, or giving your feminine healing energy when he is angry, just wouldn’t be sustainable over time.

Some men are too far gone…

Sometimes, all our attempts to give ourselves emotionally as a gift can be blocked out or ignored.

These are the cases where you should not tolerate any further. If he’s responsive to your efforts to love and calm him, and changes according to those efforts, that can be a positive sign, as long as he is not hurting you.

But the truth often is that some people are too far gone to be responsive to your efforts to love them, calm them or be there for them.

Having said that, it’s important to know that we all develop less than good ways of coping with life at times.

You can try to help him see that it is a coping mechanism, and let him know that you love him as he is, and that everything will be ok.

That’s an option. But again, if you keep taking that role, and it does nothing to change him (ie: he is very unresponsive to your efforts to engage positively with him), then don’t tolerate that behaviour.

We are not perfect. None of us will ever be. But remember: someone can be a good person inside and still be toxic, because they have toxic patterns! 

Healthy, decent men will be responsive to your effort

Most decent, healthy men would probably be responsive to your loving attempts when they are angry.

And if he responds regularly and he is getting less defensive over time, or his patterns of anger are getting less over time, that shows you something.

However, remember that any man you meet probably has decades of practising a particular pattern of behaving.

Any man you get involved with already has decades of typical patterns of dealing with difficult emotions.

You can try to help or change him, with the caveat that NOBODY makes a lasting change without a drastic change in their peer group and environment. Ever.

This is to say that you can only do so much for him.

If he keeps toxic patterns, then here’s what you should do…

A man whose anger patterns are something he wants to keep, is not to be tolerated.

Don’t be afraid to walk away. This is because he clearly values these toxic patterns more than he values you and the relationship he has with you.

A man whose anger patterns were developed to make others wrong and himself right, is toxic.

A man who goes without ever saying sorry or considering the other person’s perspective, may be very painful to tolerate for the rest of your life.

Anger versus passions

I believe that real passions are things you are willing to put effort into.

Things that you would sacrifice other things for.

Passions are things that you care deeply for.

Passions are things that you go through great discomfort to pursue and achieve.

Passions are beliefs that you would die on the cross for.

Passions scream at us to give something to the world. To create and express ourselves.

Does your boyfriend or husband have passions like this?

Without this passion, then over time, your relationship will lose attraction and passion. You may lose respect for him.

(By the way, I want to teach you 5 secrets to having your man fall deeply in love with you and beg you to be his one and only. These 5 secrets are inside of my brand new program. Click HERE to get yourself a copy before they run out!)

What does it mean to not “tolerate” a behaviour in a man?

Let’s be clear on the word ‘tolerate’. What does it mean to say that these 6 things are things you should never tolerate in a relationship?

Well, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to leave him right now!

I didn’t write this so that you could immediately leave your boyfriend.

Unless of course, you had already mostly made up your mind and this article just helped steer you towards that decision.

You might need some time to think carefully.

You might need some time to observe him objectively (not with emotion, as it is hard to observe correctly when you are caught up in a relationship).

It might mean conducting more research. To make things clearer and simpler for you, I wrote this article on the 7 Burning Signs A Man is Being Low Value. You might want to check that out!

What more can you do for yourself?

Here’s what else you can do on your quest to make the right decision for yourself.

Researching further might mean asking other people (who know him) what they think.

Do they trust him?

Is he warm?

What happened in his past relationships?

It might mean that you go about studying his instagram, youtube or facebook posts and thinking about what impression his posts give to the average human observing.

Either way, it means to not allow such behaviour to continue existing in your relationship. It means to have values and rules for the right reasons.

And it means to stick to those values because you value your time, which is finite.

It means that you value your energy, which is also finite. You don’t have forever to fart around with someone who repeatedly proves time to be unfit for relationship.

A relationship with the wrong person can teach you valuable things, but only if you pause long enough to feel what it has taught you.

Of course, remember that I am just some person (although I care). Always use your own gut instinct. Always check in with your heart, too.

And feel for how much you trust a man. Your body was inherited through millions of years of selection.

Millions of women before you have given you reasonably accurate feelings about men and how good or bad intentioned they are.

So, don’t ignore what your gut knows. Be honest with yourself. Are you desperate? Are you feeling extremely lonely?

If you are in a very lonely situation, then you will be more targeted by bad natured men.

You’ll be less accurate in your gut responses because being so desperate means that you want something for yourself and (there’s nothing wrong with that) however, your desperation to gain something can overshadow the truth.

If you want to learn more about how to be a good girlfriend (or wife), check these 5 must follow rules for relationships.

Thank you for taking the time to read this 🙂

Would you consider letting me know your thoughts? In the comments below is a space for lovely women like you, to share their feelings and thoughts.

You don’t have to agree with me, I always welcome your perspective. Thank you in advance!

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